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It’s been a while since my
last blog, in November, but since then, the Christmas season has arrived, bringing
with it busyness, hysteria and increasing demands upon everyone’s time and
energy. Not that I don‘t love it, but all this festiveness gets in the way of
one’s blogging activities…..
In the three weeks since my
last entry, I’m pleased to say that I have dropped another 15 pounds,
bringing my total loss to 8stone 9lbs since I began this journey in May. More
importantly, as we entered December I met my second target, to have lost
eight stone and become two-thirds the woman that I started off as. I have
friends and colleagues that weigh less than I have lost, and that is a truly
sobering thought – had I been asked to carry them on my back 24/7 I would
have balked at the thought, but, technically, that is what I had been doing
for years. Frightening, just frightening….
It’s been quite the
fortnight for milestones, I had my first official “day off plan” on December 9th
at a “Team Breakfast”, and also on December 11th when I attended a Dinner
Dance with my colleagues. Before that, I had completed 190 days of being 100%
‘On Plan’, with no cheats, deviations or “just one…”s for that entire period.
Looking back, I wasn’t convinced that I would make it through one week, yet,
somehow, I have managed that 27-fold. I couldn’t really explain how, either,
I just seemed to do it. And I am grateful for the amazing support and
encouragement that has buoyed me along on my journey so far.
To be honest, at both the
Breakfast and Dinner, I surprised myself by not being as hungry as I expected
to be. I had decided to make healthy choices for my meals, but there were
still allowances, and, thankfully, my demons stayed at bay on both occasions.
I did have vision s of disgracing myself thoroughly at the dinner table, the starved
woman on a feeding frenzy after months of deprivation.
Anticipating the
forthcoming celebrations, I imagined myself, face deep in the gravy and
custard, snorting like a pig at a trough, emerging only to gasp for air and
wipe the cream from my eyebrows….
…Dearest reader, you will
be relieved to hear that such a spectacle was not witnessed by my peers, nor
the other unsuspecting guests at the respective establishments….
I cannot
even say that I struggled with resisting temptation or felt denied… I did
indulge a little, but, frankly, the urge to splurge was simply not there.
I
ate…I drank only water…but was mostly merry.
It was a brand new experience – to
anticipate the event and the company more than the food that would be on my
plate. This is a very unique concept to me. In past times, the meal would be
the highlight of any social gathering. I looked forward to the food, and
usually was planning dessert before the starter was even served. This, on
reflection, is incredibly insulting to any friends with whom I have enjoyed
many a calorific night out. As much as I love and adore them, my true First
Love was always the food, my priorities rested firmly with filling my face.
How sad……
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Another
aspect of the social events that certainly highlighted the Dinner Dance for me
was the fact that I got to dress up for the night and show off my newly
regained curves. I deliberated for a long time in finding the right outfit for
the evening, and eventually settled on a black glittery, figure-hugging
knee-length dress. And I was utterly delighted to find that I could fit
comfortably into a size 18. Considering I started off in a size 24/26, just
seven months ago, that is quite an achievement. The big thing for me, was
showing off my legs for the first time in a very, very long time. Since I have
worked at my current office for the past three and a half years, my colleagues
have never been witness to anything more than a sock-covered ankle under boots
and trousers. But on that evening, they got the full Mid-thigh to Toe experience
(albeit clothed in black tights) topped with a pair of sparkling black heels.
And I have to admit, I felt like a million dollars. The compliments and remarks
I received were overwhelming and just further encouraged me to keep going.
Now I
know that my greatest focus in this weight loss journey has been on regaining
my health and extending my longevity, but I cannot deny that I am enjoying all
the attention and positive feedback that I am receiving for the way I am
starting to look. I used to think that I was a naturally confident person
despite my weight, but my confidence has increased considerably since the
weight has begun to come off. Perhaps I was just fooling myself and, underneath
was as insecure and self-hating as your average fat girl is believed to be. In
fact, there is no perhaps, I clearly was just pretending to myself. All this adulation
and attention just add to it. But there is an inherent danger in listening too
hard and taking to heart too much the compliments and niceties that I am receiving
right now.
I
have an addictive personality. It was my compulsion to consume unhealthy,
especially sugary, foods that led me to needing to drastically lose weight in
the first place. Right now my addiction to food appears to be “in recovery” but
I must remain all too aware that addictions can manifest themselves in many
forms. I am not just talking about compulsions to eat and drink, there are also
addictions to patterns of behaviour and emotional states that can be equally as
damaging, perhaps not to the body, but certainly to the soul. And when the soul
is wounded, all too often the body will follow.
Right
now, it is lovely to bathe in the glow of the positive strokes from my peers,
it feels good to be praised. But this
state of change is only temporary. Whilst I am still in the process of evolving
to the healthy person I aspire to be, I attract attention. But, one day, I
will, hopefully achieve my goal and the slim/healthy person I want to be will become
my “normal” state.
And normality is boring, it does not merit the reactions
from others that I am receiving now. As a “normal” person, I will lose my “superhero”
status, I will no longer be able to cash in on my success. I will just be an average person, and will have to reluctantly hand over the mantle to a more
deserving newcomer. And I worry that I will have become addicted to being the
centre of attention, I fear that I will rapidly deflate when this is no longer
the case.
I
have been here before…I mentioned in one of my early blogs that, at a previous
weight loss attempt, I joined a slimming club and, very early on, set my sights
on claiming the Slimmer of the Year accolade. That was my top motivation and
what drove me to lose five stones. I became competitive and obsessed… I did, in
fact, take the title that I yearned for, but it soon became a hollow victory.
Almost soon as I had posed for pictures, held my trophy aloft and removed the
winners’ sash, my downfall was almost inevitable. I had achieved my goal and
left myself nowhere else to go…the spotlight faded….the curtain dropped…and I
became a Nobody again.
I know now, that instead of feeding on food, I
was feeding off of attention. I craved and needed to be noticed and praised.
And when this no longer happened, through no fault of any others, I returned to
the one comfort I knew gave me that temporary boost – food. And, rapidly, I
slid back into my old habits.|
I understand, now, the
folly of my thinking, and realise that I must learn other ways to nourish my
soul and protect my body. I’m still working on this, and haven’t found the
full answer yet. I do wonder if there is actually “an answer”. Perhaps the
trick is just to remain on the path that I am currently on; to not seek out a
goal except for that of a healthy and extended life. As the “weight goal” is
now actually visible on the distant horizon, I am starting to think about how
I will sustain the weight loss for the rest of my life. How will I resist the
urge to return to my old habits, and ultimately undo all the work that I have
done so far? I don’t know exactly how I am going to do it, but hope that thus
mental and emotional shift that I am undergoing, for the first time ever, whilst
losing weight, will help me find my way. What I do know is that, whilst I can’t
go back to old habits, I also can’t continue on the same method I am losing
weight now, as it would not work in sustaining a healthy weight in the long
term. There is still much challenge ahead, I just hope that I can rise to it.
Right now, all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other and
continue to trust and hope.
This is probably the last
blog I will write before Christmas, and, despite the couple of days off, I
have no intention of blowing it all “just because it’s Christmas”. True, I
shall allow myself to indulge on Christmas Day and Boxing Day, but on other days
I have no intention of coming off plan. My decision has been questioned by
many, particularly those who see the festive season as an excuse to throw
caution to the wind and over indulge. I
may well do that over future Christmases, but, for me, this year is critical.
I am still carrying far too much weight for my frame, and cannot afford to
add to it. Maybe, in years to come, I can allow myself some leeway, but not
this year. To me, it would be the
equivalent of ceasing life-saving medication “because it’s
Christmas”…it would be like driving without a seatbelt “because it’s
Christmas”….Right now, I am on a course set to save and prolong my life, why
would I be foolish enough to risk gaining much of the weight, all in the name
of a festivity that is celebrated every year. Yes, this Christmas, for me
will possibly a little less traditional, it may not be quite as abandoned and
jolly, the merry-making will involve less consumption…but, hey, it is only
one Christmas in many….in fact, I hope to enjoy more Christmases then expected
in the future, as a direct result of the decisions and choices I make this
year….
…Wish me Luck….
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