Stepping Down to Step Up....

It’s October! One of my favourite months. There’s something about the golden light, the woody and smoky smells, the mistiness in the air that really floats my boat.  I love to cosy up in snug jumpers and boots (maybe this year I’ll get ‘normal’ calf width boots on my legs) and go on on woodland walks, kicking through leaves  without suffering the Curse of the Fat Bird – sweat. For us overweight individuals, Summer, with all its pleasantries, brings with it the dreaded leakage from every pour, going beyond the “healthy glow” to the “did someone just throw a bucket of water over you?” look in around twenty paces. So, as the temperatures drop, I welcome the chance to don my (smaller sized) coat and take balmy walks amongst the berry-filled trees, picking up conkers with the kids. When I lived in Cyprus, I did miss the Autumn.  Cyprus has two seasons – Summer and slightly less hotter summer (with occasional rain) and snow on the mountains. (yes – Cyprus has a ski resort in the Troodos mountains. Many a time, we would spend a morning sledging and then, in the afternoon, drive back down to the coast and have a picnic on the beach  in our shorts and t shirts. Mental!) As it is October 1st today, it also brings with it the chance for new beginnings and new chances.  And I have seized this opportunity. As of today, with the grace of my consultant, I have “stepped down” from Cambridge Step 3 to Step 2.  This means reducing my daily calorie intake from 1,00 calories to 810 calories, mainly through cutting out all carbohydrates  (this can induce a state of Ketosis, where the body burns fat faster, although I’m not particularly bothered about that aspect), and replacing them with an additional Cambridge product. I’ve opted for the bars, which I have been told are not only tasty but VERY chewy so take a considerable time to consume.

This change of plan came about as my weight loss has slowed down a little in the past few weeks, the regular losses of between four and eight pounds weekly have dropped down to either two or three. I am aware that this is still a commendable loss, but I am hungering for more. I don’t know at this stage if this is a good or a bad thing, but we shall wait and see (or ‘weight’ and see…). What I do love about the Cambridge Weight Plan is that there are options, you can move up or down the steps according to your needs.

 So, it is with some trepidation that I enter October (or Oc-TWO-ber as I am calling it, after Step 2). 
But before I voice my fears, lets me focus on the positives that have led up to this point. 
At my weigh in yesterday, I had lost another two pounds. 
This brings my total weight loss to 5 stone 10 pounds  (80 pounds) since May 14^th. 
I have been reliably informed that this is the weight of the average Rottweiler!!! 
Now, for obvious reasons of personal safety, I probably wouldn’t consider walking around with a Rottweiler draped around my frame (especially not a hungry or grumpy one) but even visualising the equivalent is mind blowing! 
Furthermore, I have ‘graduated’ down to size 20 clothes, even jeans. At my biggest, just four and  a half months ago, I wore a 24 in most clothes and a 26 in jeans. This change definitely makes me happy, and my weekly measurements have reduced by 7 inches on the waist, 10 inches on the hips and 5 inches on the bust  (looks like I will remain top-heavy for now, my husband jests that, at this rate, I will resemble the letter ‘P’!).

Of course, with change comes fear and there are some things that worry me about this step down to Step 2. 
Firstly, I will be giving up my consumption of fruit (not recommended because of its high sugar level) and, for the same reason, tomatoes. I will also have to eschew salmon and a few ingredients in my meals that I enjoy. I am less bothered about carbs, as I have found myself voluntarily cutting them out in meals on occasion anyway. When you only have 40g of rice or pasta to play with, you find yourself thinking “why bother?”. Potatoes will be a little bit harder but I don’t have them as frequently anyway. And I do worry that I will start to feel a lot hungrier without my salad lunch.

Another issue that concerns me is the realisation that I still haven’t completely put an old demon to bed. That demon is fear of judgement and disapproval. 

Granted, I have overcome a few hurdles already – I have confessed to being on Cambridge, I have admitted my starting weight and size, I have written about my most shameful compulsions and eating habits. 

However, I have still held back at least a bit with my candour.  

When people ask me how I have been losing the weight, I have learnt to tell them, upfront, that I am on the Cambridge Weight Plan. However…there is always a disclaimer.. and I find myself qualifying the statement with a comment such as “oh, but it’s not the liquid only version, it’s real food, including salad every day for lunch..” It’s like (actually, no, it IS)  I am still just a wee bit ashamed and embarrassed about the method I have chosen to lose my weight, and  I need to belittle and downsize any aspects that might attract negative attention. After all, I didn’t approve of Cambridge not that long ago, so surely others have similar reservations. 

Why am I doing this? Because I still, sadly, crave a, level of approval and validation from everyone I meet, even relative strangers. 

I’m pretty sure this goes back to my childhood, a little girl wanting nothing but acceptance and unconditional love from an alcoholic (and likely narcissistic) father who simply did not have the capacity to provide what I needed. 

But that is ancient history, something I must now put behind me, and find the courage to work through. 

It was this need for approval that propelled me through previous abortive weight loss attempts. The focus become more on the acclaim and praise than on the benefits to my health and psyche. And, of course, when the compliments dried up, so did my motivation.

This time I am trying hard to focus on the things that matter  to me and to those that depend on me – my health and my longevity. It’s nice getting compliments , I cannot deny that, but it’s better to be able stick around on this planet longer for those that have always loved you and will love you every day.

So, I have started  to tackle the demon. I have told some around me, that I have changed my plan, and I have already received a mixed response. Some have approved, some, frankly, don’t really care and others…well, there’s always the detractors. Comments directed at me have already included "Don't make yourself ill... " "surely it's better to lose more slowly.. " "do you really need to lose much more? ". All well intentioned, I’m sure, but not what I need to hear right now.  I understand that there is a lot of worry and controversy over what people might deem “extreme diets” but this comes from people who do not understand the full facts and are not walking in my shoes.  I used to weigh 24 stone, I still weigh over 18 stone. I am morbidly obese.  My weight has been, and, to some extent, still is impinging  on my health.  I am at risk from a number of life-threatening conditions – cardiac disease, diabetes, stroke, various cancers. Risks which are lessened the further my weight reduces.  It’s not rocket science – I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.  Some might consider this an ‘extreme diet’ but I have been living under extreme circumstances. Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I am at pains to stress, as much to myself as to others, that I am not doing this particular diet for quick, short-term results.  I don’t want to fit into a special outfit for a special occasion, I don’t aspire to a particular clothes size, I have no individuals offering me any carrot on a stick (wouldn’t work any way, I’m not fond of carrots..) if I lose X number of pounds in X number of days. (although if you spelled it ‘Carat’ , I could be persuaded!!!) However, there is an undeniable Sword of Damocles dangling over my head. And I want to get away from it as soon as possible. Perhaps it would be more prudent to lose it more slowly, and I am aware that research has suggested that weight which comes off more slowly is likely to stay off for longer. But, that is a bridge I will cross when I come to it.  To go back to the Rottweiler analogy, currently I am simply running away, as fast as I possibly can, from a dangerous dog, intent on tearing at my heels. Once I have put enough distance between me and the immediate  threat, maybe then I can reduce my pace and conserve my energy. In the meantime, I will just keep running.  The bridge is in sight, in the far distance, but I still have a way to run before I reach it. However, I must rem ember that the dog is relentless and will not give up because I have slowed down. I will always have to stay a few paces ahead of him. As for the concerns that I am risking my health, surely that cannot be further from the truth. What I am due is REGAINING my health. The bottom line, however, is I must continue to learn the lesson that I must derive my self esteem entirely from my own inner resources and not listen to the voices of others who may or not approve of my choices , for they have their own agenda.  Instead I must listen hard for that still, small voice deep within my core that tells me I’m on the right path, the little life-coach in my soul that says “you’ve got this”.

I’m listening…Wish me luck…..