I Did It!!!!

This week, for me, has been an utter whirl of anniversaries and accomplishments, and I still feel as if I’m floating on a cloud. Here’s hoping I don’t fall off too soon. As mentioned in my previous blog, May 14th was the one year anniversary of my initial meeting with my Cambridge Weight Plan consultant. And what a year it has been!! After last week’s horrible and unexpected gain of four pounds, which took me nine pounds away from my ultimate goal of losing 12 stone in exactly 12 months, and essentially “halving myself” in a year.  The gain was very disappointing, but I didn’t let it deter me. I stuck religiously to my 1200 calories a day plan, and kept up with the exercise. It was incredibly tempting all week to drop the calorie intake and hit the exercise even harder, in the hope that those pesky nine pounds would magically melt away. Instead I gave myself a thorough talking to and reconciled that “what will be, will be”. Numbers shouldn’t matter that much, it’s how you feel that counts…. Of course, that’s what I told myself…but it don’t stop me hopping on and off the scale several times a day and counting my calories to obsessional level….. The fated day arrived… Things didn’t go quite to plan. I had to change the time of my appointment due to a misunderstanding over the start time of my son’s new swimming class, but my consultant was able to accommodate. So, come High Noon, heart in my throat, I found myself knocking on a door that had become so familiar over the past 12 months.  My consultant greeted me with her customary light bulb smile and I presented her with an orchid, in Cambridge colours naturally, to commemorate “our anniversary”. My consultant blushed and immediately apologised. My change of schedule had ruined her plans, she had arranged for a florist delivery for me at her home to surpirsie me with, while our original appointment was ongoing. Oh well, that she would drop them over later. That would be something nice to look forward to. (and they were worth waiting for, a stunning bunch in shades of my favourite colour purple!). W e moved upstairs to her office and I sat down in the chair which, just a year ago, I could barely squeeze into. After a few formalities, it was time…to step on those scales. Now, as I have already said, I had been obsessively scale-hopping all week, however, the results had fluctuated all over the place, and, also I knew that my scales and my consultants (the ones that mattered..) rarely agreed with one another. All I did know was that I had definitely lost something… So, as I had done 42 times before, I stepped cautiously on to the scales, waited for the beep. The beep came…there was silence, for what seemed like an eternity. Then my consultant spoke…. “YOU’VE DONE IT…NINE POUNDS OFF!!! …YOU WEIGH 12 STONES EXACTLY!!” No way….No fricking way….really????? What black magic was this?  Actually, what white magic was this?  Had the Weight Loss Fairy taken pity on me and paid me a visit? Whatever it was, I was jubilant, there were tears in my eyes. There were hugs dished out. My consultant was delighted, but not in the least bit surprised. “I had a feeling you’d do it” she said, as she handed me the “12 Stone” rosette that she had concealed on her desk just in case the result hadn’t been quite so good. So there I was, I had achieved the goal I had wanted so badly, on the very day that I really, really wanted it to happen. And just after I had finally resigned myself to the fact that it didn’t really matter. Isn’t it funny how sometimes the thing that you have been desperate to attain for a long time finally appears after you have stopped stressing about getting it? Is it possible to want something too much? Is the key in this the acceptance of your current circumstances? I have heard many times of this phenomenon, especially in the stories of couples who have been trying for a baby for many, many years with no success who eventually reconcile themselves to the fact that it may not happen, only to discover, soon after, that they are blessed with a pregnancy.  Now I’m not trying to belittle the heartache of childlessness by comparing it to the tribulations of trying to shift unwanted pounds, but I think that the principle still stands in any scenario where we maybe want something too much….  Do we give off  “Desperation Pheromones” that somehow hamper our progress and prevent success?  With anything that you want so badly, I agree that determination and persistence are key, but I am coming to realise that, before that, we must undergo a process of Acceptance. When, many years ago, I was trying to come to terms with the effects of my father’s alcoholism I joined the Al-Anon support group who work in association with Alcoholics Anonymous to support the families and friends of alcoholics. Both groups subscribe to the Twelve Step programme, the keystone of which is Acceptance. This means admitting that you are powerless over alcohol / the alcoholic (or any substance or behaviour of abuse), and allowing yourself to feel and reconcile yourself with the negativity that these things have caused you. It’s not an easy process, it involves working THROUGH the pain that you have probably avoided for many years, allowing it to wash over you and weathering the storm. If you can do this successfully, you will learn that all storms do pass and you will emerge stronger for having survived. For me, in my weight loss journey, it involved looking at myself long and hard in the mirror and no longer the denying the undeniable facts. I was FAT, I was UNHEALTHY, I was UNHAPPY with my size. My weight RESTRICTED me, it PREVENTED me from doing so much. I was AFRAID of doing anything about it. The day that I gave in to those feelings was a very dark one, but it was also one of the best choices I made. It took COURAGE, it took DETERMINATION, but, hell, it was WORTH IT.

I now understand, completely, why Acceptance is so important in the process of self-growth.  It is the ploughing of the field before new seeds are planted. It is the clearing of the weeds so that healthy plants can grow and flourish. But, as I’m sure any farmer will tell you, the ploughing is one of the toughest and most laborious tasks in the farming calendar. But the most necessary…

So here I am now, just a few pounds away from my target. I have decided to call it a day on my weight loss when I reach “eleven stone anything” and then work towards the more challenging task of maintenance. 

For 12 months now, I have rowed long and hard in my little boat across vast and seemingly horizon-less seas. Sometimes the oceans have been treacherous, other times it has been plain sailing. 

A few weeks ago, I cried “land ahoy”, and now I have moored my little boat in shallow waters and am wading knee-deep in crystal waters towards the idyllic silvery beach of my Paradise Island…the land of Slimness!!! 

Oh, how I’ve dreamed of this moment, when I finally step onto dry land and sink my toes into the warm sands. 

The only problem is, that my dream always ended there, when I reached my destination. 

I have been so focused, for so long, on “the journey” that I haven’t given any thought as to what I will do when I actually arrive. From a distance, the Island looked beautiful and inviting, shimmering like a prize jewel from afar, but now I am here I am filled with trepidation. 

What awaits me beyond the sandy shores? 

Is my island populated by blood thirsty cannibals waiting to devour me when I step into their forest lair? 

Do hungry beasties lurk in bone-strewn caves? 

Will there be fresh water and enough food to sustain a permanent life there? 

Or will I run screaming back to my boat, rowing like crazy to escape what once seemed like Utopia? 

These are questions that can’t be answered right now, but to turn away at this stage would be folly. Once I arrive on the shore, I may allow myself a small time to fall dramatically to the floor, sprawling like an exhausted Robinson Crusoe. But then, I must pick myself and muster up yet again the courage and determination that drove me to row across the uncharted waters. There may well be cannibals and beasties, but if I was strong enough to master the oceans then I know that I have the strength to overcome these hurdles too.

Wish me luck……

"An Unexpected Gain| (apologies to Tolkien,...)

I don’t normally write blog posts on two consecutive days, but after yesterday’s positive and jubilant entry I crashed down to earth a little bit within hours of posting . I had my weigh in yesterday evening. Over the months I’ve come to actually look forward to weigh ins. In all the times I have been to visit my consultant, there are only two occasions where I have registered a gain, once after Christmas and then after my holiday in April. Those were totally justified gains, I had veered off plan, intentionally, and deserved the result that the scales showed me. All the other times have seen pretty significant losses. All is in balance in the universe….Until yesterday.

Straight after work, and before dinner, I took myself off to my consultant’s home for the Moment of Truth. I had made the usual contingency preparations. No big meal, no overdosing on the water, ensuring that I had selected lightweight clothes to wear, several trips to the toilet (including the one at my consultant’s – any opportunity to eke out a few more ounces..) and I was ready to see the results. For me it had been a good week. I had “stepped up” to Step 4 upon reaching the 11.5 stone milestone (you have no idea how excited was as being allocated those extra 200 calories a day!!) but, to offset this, I had also upped my exercise activity, throwing in a couple of weekly running sessions (several circuits of the pitch with some of the Rugby Mums during training) in addition to my thrice-weekly Zumba sessions. The previous day I had also clocked up some 18,000 steps on my FitBit during a mammoth shopping trip, achieving a personal  best on my footsteps. I was excited but also little nervous. Excited, because at the previous weigh in I had found myself at only 5lbs from a Twelve Stone loss, essentially “halving myself” since last May. Nervous because I had been doing some naughty scale hopping over the last few days trying to anticipate what the results might be. The scales had fluctuated a lot, some days registering a loss, others a gain. But I wasn’t too worried, last week my bathroom weigh-ins showed that I had stayed the same, but by the time I reached my consultant I had dropped five pounds. That pesky apparatus was clearly unreliable.

So , armed with this information and mis-information, I tentatively stepped on the “official” scales and waited, with baited breath for the Beep of Truth…. 

Behind me, where my consultant sat, I heard an uncustomary sound…...the sucking of teeth. Having heard this noise many times emanating from mechanics and plumbers with bad news to impart about the cost of repairs, I bristled. This was unusual… 

Then came the words..”You’re not going to like this…. You’ve gained FOUR POUNDS…”

“What?????”  My inner monologue, more used to bathing in the glow of success, let rip a string of very demotivating expletives…”How the hell..???”.

I was confused, shocked, dazed…suddenly the world had tilted on its axis and thrown me about. “How can this be..? I’ve been so good…? What’s going on?”

I felt cheated. When I had gained before, I knew why and I had no reason to quibble. I had enjoyed  a good time and was paying the price. But this time was different, I had genuinely not misbehaved, in fact I had beasted myself on the exercise front. It was so unfair. What was the universe doing to me?If I had gained , at least deserved to have had a bloody good time earning it!!! This was wrong…

So, composing myself as best I could, I sat down graciously in the chair, trying to display a beatific smile but there was no hiding my dismay. My consultant did her best to console me, even to the extent of weighing me again and taking my measurements. But the truth remained. I had gained four pounds and not even lost any inches to compensate.  Sensing my need to “talk this out” my consultant offered what consolation she could. “it’s probably water weight from increasing your exercise, you’re building muscle and losing fat”. 

Now, when I first started talking about taking up running, even before I actually commenced on the programme a colleague of mine, a stalwart Marathoner had warned me that “you may actually gain a bit of weight when you first start”. Of course, I had brushed this off, because, naturally, this wouldn’t happen to ME, and they only said “may…”. I didn't want to hear those words so I dismissed them. But here were the facts, staring me in the face, those naughty, muscles, tearing though a sudden burst in activity were repairing themselves by holding on to the water in my body. And as any women of childbearing age knows, water retention is the enemy. It was the only answer. But I didn’t like it, I didn’t like it at all…

That night, I slumped back, a very grouchy Mummy, to my husband and kids, who were eagerly awaiting the usual jubilant announcement of how many pounds I had lost. They didn’t get the response they were expecting and over dinner that night the usual animated conversation degenerated to the occasional bark and mumble. I was not a happy bunny.

Once the kids had retreated to bed, and my husband had slunk off reluctantly on his night shift, I grabbed my laptop and started Googling “Exercise and weight gain” like a woman possessed. I wanted to be sure.. .. absolutely sure that there was no other reason, no other more easily remedied reason to be exact. But each tab I clicked on told me the same thing, it was very likely to be water weight gain from the exercise. So why was I so obsessed? Why did I need to KNOW so badly? Well Knowledge is Power. The only problem is that Knowledge can’t whisk away those pesky four pounds and that’s what I really wanted more than anything else….

Now that the dust has settled and my mood has been lifted a little by the beautiful summer weather we are experiencing, I've had a chance to contemplate and analyse my reactions to the gain. 

It is perfectly natural,  I admit, to be disappointed when our efforts aren’t rewarded in the way that we believe we deserve. I also admit, however, that my reaction was a little bit extreme and inappropriate and there’s obviously a lesson that needs to be learnt from this experience.

So what is life trying to teach me this time? Here are my thoughts…

Being a person of my persuasion with a tendency towards addiction and compulsion, and these go hand in hand with obsession. This can work well as a driving force to getting things done, but it doesn’t prove so useful when things don’t go as planned. I wrote a blog a couple of months ago about how “when you make plans, God laughs” but, clearly this message needs hammering home a little harder. 

Coming up to the home straight on my weight loss journey, I am finding myself desperate to get to the Finishing Line, which, last week, was just a half stone or so away. But the problem is, I forget that I have been running a Marathon, and not doing the 100 metre hurdles. 

How many of those completing the 26.2 mile slog are witnessed crossing the end line with a hop and a skip, and a sudden burst of energy? Not many. In fact the majority of the runners take the last few steps with palpable and visibly painful effort before slumping unceremoniously to the ground in sheer exhaustion and relief. They are not inclined to do the “lap of honour” like the sprinters….

And I must realise that this is how it may be for me… 

My journey, so far, has been a relatively easy one, the weight has come off quickly and regularly and I have seen the pounds and stones slip behind me. Now I have to work harder on the final stretch. This does not rub well with my psyche and I’ve come to realise that I am still very easily seduced by instant gratification.  Only now I had replaced the buzz that comes from consuming sugar and fat with that of seeing another great result on the scale. Life is telling me to slow down…and to calm down…and this could be my biggest challenge yet.

The little “devil on my shoulder” , who never misses a trick, has already been whispering suggestively in my disappointed ear. Just yesterday, as I stomped around my local supermarket, in a post weigh-in fugue, he began with his little words of temptation…”Go on..buy yourself a chocolate bar…you deserve something even if you’re not rewarded with a weight loss… Feck it..what harm can it do?”  Thankfully the angel (or Fairy Godmother) on my other shoulder has upped her game in the recent months and was able to carefully steer me away from the confectionery aisle. 

I was also offered a form of “temptation” by my consultant (although I believe that this was done with the best of intentions) in the form of suggesting that, perhaps I would like to reduce my calorie intake again, or decrease the amount of exercise I took. 

I did consider those options but in the end I decided against it. Fairy Godmother had the upper hand… I suddenly understood that my focus had to be on the Big Picture and not the relative minutiae of one “bad” weigh in. 

Why had I embarked upon this journey in the first place? 

Was it so I could clock up a number of rosettes on my fridge for every stone I had lost? 

Was it so I could boast about an unblemished record of losing weight each week? 

Nope – I did it for my health. 

And what could be better for my health than a good exercise regime and a long-term healthy attitude towards food? I needed to keep going forward not turn backwards, just for the sake of the thrill of another big loss on the scales.

I see, now that, that this is going to be a tough lesson to learn, but it is an absolute essential one if I am to sustain the healthy life I have craved for so many years. I need not to find another outlet for my obsessions and addictions, but to release the need to indulge these at all. I need to stop feeding the monster within, the one that craves thrills and gratification, and instead to learn to nurture a stillness in my soul and a quiet satisfaction that I am on the right path. 

Ronan Keating got it wrong. Life is, in fact NOT a Roller Coaster…well not all of it. Yes, there are times we get to go on fairground rides in our lives, and these are equally exhilarating and terrifying times. But these rides only last minutes. We spend a lot more of our time just queuing up, waiting to get on the ride, and even more just doing what needs to be done in life. But it doesn’t mean that our lives are any the less enriched by the quieter times we experience. 

It has been one heck of a ride for me, so far, but now it is time for me to find a sweet spot by a tranquil riverbank and just “be” , content that it is ok to sit still and exist.

This is going to be a tough one…wish me luck!!!

The Secret.....

This week saw quite the landmark for me. At my last weigh in I found that I had lost another five pounds, bringing my current weight down to 12st 5lb. This figure means a lot to me as it was my initial target when I first began trying to lose weight this time. I’m not exactly sure why I picked this figure, I think it may have been the lowest I managed to get down to on a previous weight loss attempt many, many moons ago. By ‘many moons’ I am talking a good twenty years if not more. It struck me just today that I have spent at least half of my Twenties, the vast majority of my Thirties (give or take a year, when I lost the weight before piling it all back on again) and the first part of my Forties in a physical state where I have weighed in excess of 20 stone. Not a very nice statistic, but no more – that figure will be relegated forever to ancient history… So here I am now, just five pounds away from “halving myself” , from a life, and happiness, threatening 24 stones down to a comfortable, energetic 12st. And I’ve achieved it, so far, in just under a year. So I am feeling contemplative and very, very grateful…. People approach me all the time, now, to ask me how I managed to lose weight. The ask me what is “The Secret” to my success. Well, after keeping it under my hat for a year it’s time for me to do the Big Reveal, to disclose the Truth about how I have so succeeded so far. So here goes….. The Secret Is…(drum roll…)…There is no Secret! (oh dear, I can hear the sounds of people reaching to click off the page as I type….) But, bear  with me, please. There is no Secret but there is a Big Obvious Truth ( the kind that comes in neon, six feet high letters) that is staring us all in the face. The problem with Truths, is that very few of us, including me, actually want to see them…. If you want to get scientific, the basic equation of weight loss is : More Calories Out + Less calories In = Weight Loss. But I think that there’s a little more to it than that. Science is all well and good but it doesn’t take into account the emotional and spiritual factors that have an inconvenient way of interfering with our day to day lives.  So I’ve been doing a lot of exploring over the past twelve months and come to this very simple conclusion. You can apply this to any diet you like, be it Cambridge, SW, WW, 5:2 or any other convoluted nutrition plan… So here is my Secret -…… Losing Weight Does NOT Make You Happy. It will NOT fix your problems for you. Ok, I can sense the impending mouse clicking already…. I am sure that this simple statement will l disappoint a great number of people. How many of us have told ourselves that our lives would be much better if only we were thinner, that our quality of life would be somehow magically enhanced on the mythical day that we slip effortlessly into those size 8 jeans? Some of us get to that target, but many of us don’t, or if we do, it’s a fleeting moment of glory before we slide back in bad habits and the ensuing conclusion that “it can’t be done”. So I maintain my statement. Losing weight cannot possibly make you happy. Only you, the wonderful person inside can do that. It took a very long time for to realise this and to finally understand that my weight gain was a SYMPTOM of all the bad things that were going on in my life, and not the cause.  Long before I was able to embark on this weight loss journey,  I had to work on fixing my head, getting myself straight and reconciling myself with the poor image that I saw reflected in the mirror.

I have come to believe that we each possess a certain amount of energy within us. Not the physical stuff, but the emotional and spiritual energy. Trying to lose weight, especially if you are or have been an emotional eater, expends a vast amount of that energy. It takes a lot of effort, determination, dare I say it, Willpower. The problem is, that if some of our energy is diverted dealing with other matters, which, more often than not, can be more pressing and urgent, then we simply do not have the resources required to dedicate ourselves to changing ourselves into the people we want to be. It’s pretty simple, really.
 The problem is that Obesity has been cited as the One True Evil, it’s the first bastion that the medical researchers cling to. And it is also one of the “Easiest” things to fix, if you believe all the hype of the diet industry. “Just eat less and you’ll get skinny” they cry. What they don’t tell is HOW to eat less.

My advice to anyone who wants to embark on a challenging journey such as I have is this: 

Get Your Heads In the Game First. Take a long, deep look at your life and see what other things you need to change first. What are the aspects of your life that are draining and blocking that emotional energy? For me, it was Toxic Relationships. It took me a while to realise but I was beset by Emotional Vampires in my life, and I was allowing them to suck the very life source from me. And as I became more and more drained, I needed to find a replacement source to sustain me. For me it was Food. But it didn’t work. The Vampires kept sucking and I kept eating, and all that happened was that I got fatter and fatter. And the problem didn’t go away. Eventually, I just cracked, nothing else had worked, I couldn’t run away so I had no choice but to turn around and face my demons. I stood up to them, I told them to leave me alone. It was a painful, terrifying process but one that I had to go through. And I do not regret it. Once the dust had settled and the Vampires had retreated from my life, slowly and surely I began to feel stronger…the energy that had been stolen from me for so long began to ebb back into me. With this energy came a self love too, an innate pride in having mustered the courage and strength to take what I deserved and reject what I did not. And so, a little seed of thought began to germinate in my head….If I had the inner strength to tackle those demons, maybe I had the power to broach others.  Finally I had the energy to tackle my weight loss. And I haven’t looked back so far…..

So that is my Secret… straighten your head before you tackle your body.

Strangely enough, “The Secret” is the title of a best-selling book, all about the Law of Attraction. I have yet to actually read all of this, but I do know that the principle of this book is that “Like Attracts Like”. This means that, as I did, the more you give into Negative Energy , the more likely it will seem to be bestowed upon you. Conversely, if you approach life with a positive and thankful attitude,then life will give you more to be grateful for. Of course, this could be dismissed as hokum, and I’m sure that there there are plenty  who will provide examples to the contrary, but it certainly seems to be working for me! Ever since I took that momentous decision to pick myself off the floor, then blessings seemed to start landing on on my doorstep. Maybe they were always there and I was too deep in my own misery to see them, who knows. All I can say is that life seems a lot rosier to me right now. Of course, even in all this glowing positivity, I am acutely aware that I am living in a very comfortable, unchallenged lifestyle right now so it is easier to see life from the sunny side. We are not beset by illness or poverty, we are secure and happy. I often ask myself, how would I cope if life were to suddenly throw me an unpleasant curve ball. Would all my efforts diminish and would I resort to the destructive and self-defeating coping mechanisms that I relied upon so many times in the past?

This is where the true hard work comes in, and I am currently at the stage of re-assigning my beliefs and thought patterns and endeavouring to change the way I think. Even now, as I suspect we all do, I have that little voice (or Devil on My Shoulder) encouraging me to stray off the righteous path. This voice can be pretty convincing, it knows me well, how to exploit my weaknesses and foibles. Thankfully now, I am learning to listen to another voice that exists within me, one that is learning to speak up and put the Devil in his place. For a very long time I believed that initial Devil voice, after all, it came from within so it must be true. And I became a slave to my Devils’ wants and desires, most of which were very bad for me. I am learning now not to give credence to this voice and to stop, think for a moment and wait before  acting compulsively upon its demands. If I slow down for a second, and wait, the other voice, soft and reassuring, like my own little Fairy Godmother, slips in and gently guides me back down the right path. You just have to wait for a moment. After all, Cinderella’s godmother was clearly a bit of a last-minute merchant, But it did Cinders the world of good when she finally turned up!! So when the Devil speaks up , telling me of the virtues of that delicious cake I hang around until the fairy Godmother slips in with a whisper, “you don’t really want that, dear, you’ll feel guilty and terrible for eating it, and it will make you fat…”

The Devil is at his strongest when we are at our weakest, when our energy is diverted by trauma, drama and tragedy. He is the ultimate Emotional Vampire. So how do we defeat him? This is my strategy… The Devil hates repetition, he doesn’t need it, if he is doing his job properly he only needs to slip in one seductive suggestion and we’re hooked. So to really piss him off, find yourself a Mantra, some affirming positive words you can repeat over and over in your head until you have drowned him out. I was thinking long and hard about this recently and I have now found something that stroingly resonates with me: “Food Never Got Me Through Anything. It Didn’t Fix the Bad Times”. Let me explain…when I reflect on the bad times that happened in my life, the times I struggled and faltered, what are the things that I remember that  helped me to survive, the little life rafts that I clung onto that stopped me going under forever? For me, it was mainly people, good friends that supported and tolerated me, folks that held me up when I had no energy of my own. I can remember the things that they said to me, the gestures they offered and the places they took me.   I can remember songs, movies, quotes that resonated with me at the time because they gave me hope or made me fell less alone. These are filed under "Good Times through Adversity" and they really were life savers. I can draw on these unforgettable moments to sustain me when I'm feeling blue. Strangely enough though, I simply cannot remember the foods I ate during those dark periods. I know I ate, lots of very bad foods, because I got fat, but that’s where the details fade out. So why was the food so forgettable? Because it did nothing for me, it gave me nothing of use to aid me in my recovery…. So, why oh why, did I consistently turn to food when the going got tough?? What magic quality did I think it was going to impart to me? So that is my mantra when I’m feeling down and want to reach for something sweet and sugary because I’m having a tough day:

“Food Never Got Me Through Anything. It Didn’t Fix the Bad Times”. I will repeat it over and over again until the message finally sinks in.

Try the exercise for yourself, think of a difficult period in your life. Firstly, congratulate yourself for surviving, And then, make a note of all the things that helped you get through. I bet you won’t find any list of any foods there.

The only person whose life can be changed for the better by food is a famine victim….

I guess you can call that my Secret. I’m still working on the rest. Wish me luck….

Land Ahoy!!!

It’s been a little while since I wrote a blog post, but in that time the Easter holidays have happened, and I took nearly three weeks off work for the kids school break, during which time the family and I spent a week in our favourite spot in the UK, my Mum’s chalet at Caswell Bay on the Gower Coast near Swansea. Before I go into that, I’d better quickly update on my weight loss progress so far…. It has now been 45 weeks since I first started on  Cambridge Weight Plan and I have lost a total of  11stones and 5lbs. That works out at an average of around 3 and a half pounds a week, or a stone a month. Not bad going eh? My BMI has dropped from 52.6 to 27.7.  I have lost 15 inches off my waist, 17 inches off my hips and 13inches off my bust. Instead of squeezing into size 26 clothes, I am now comfortably slipping into size 14s (I don’t think I have worn this size since I was a teenager!). And that is just the statistics! Beyond the numbers lie the true benefits…the increased confidence…the extra energy…the sense of achievement…These are the true trophies of my journey so far….and land is finally in sight...!!! I have yet to decide exactly where I want to set my target at, my original plan was to get to 12st 5lb (actually my original, original plan was just to lose some weight!!). This was a figure I remember aspiring to in a previous weight loss attempt in my early 20s. However, now that number is just four pounds away, I have decided that I want to go a little further… If I want to achieve a “normal” BMI of a 25, I will need to lose an additional 16lbs and get down to 11.5st. This is a possibility, and I may just go for it, however, I am now frequently being beset by well-intentioned family members and friends who give me “the concerned look” and say something along the lines of “..Now you aren’t going to lose any more weight are you..??”  This is then often followed by ‘worries’ that I may start to look ‘gaunt;’ or ‘get too thin’ or ‘affect my health…’

Please don’t get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful for the interest in my health and I do appreciate that such observations are done purely with love and affection. Another thing  I am also fortunate for, however, is that I seem to carry my weight very well these days. So when I receive these remarks, I have to carefully explain that I am still, technically, “Overweight” when it comes to my BMI. Of course, how much credence still should be held to BMI is up for debate, but the bottom line is that I don’t quite feel that I am at the weight that I am happy to settle on quite yet. So the figure is up for review…. I have decided that when I reach 12stone exactly then I will see how I feel. 
That figure, for me, will be quite the milestone as I would have officially EXACTLY HALVED MY BODY WEIGHT!!! And that milestone is just 9lbs away!!Incredible!! 
Sometimes I truly have to pinch myself..and there is a lot less of me to pinch now…. (As an aside, I do get a distinct thrill feeling up my newly protruding bones – collar, hip and ribs are frequently fondled…). So, let us see how I get on. 
Watch this space…..
Curiously, if I do lose any more than 12 stone, I’ll then be “in the negative” – the amount of weight I would have lost would be more than I actually weigh!! Mind blowing!!!

So, back to my Easter Break… I would be telling a great big, huge stinky lie if I claimed to have stuck to plan 100% during my time off work. In fact, of the 18 days that I had off, only 10 of those were what I would call “sticking to plan”. 

The other eight…? Well, there was curry, there was a Lindt Bunny Easter egg…there was pasta ...champagne…burger lunches with the girls…dinner provided by family members…and even some ice cream (as I mentioned previously, we visited Swansea. It is the law there that all visitors there must check in to a Joe’s Ice Cream parlour and sample the wares at least once. The Key Lime Pie flavour is to die for… Being a law abiding citizen, I duly obliged..).
I am very fortunate that at my post-holiday weigh-in, I still managed to register a 2lb loss. 

This may have something to do with the fact that during my time off I started on the Couch to 5K programme and began running and every morning, before breakfast, took myself on a wee jog. There were also a couple of family cliff top walks which  helped to burn off those additional calories.

 An added bonus was that I was able to do my runs on my favourite beach, when the tide was out and there was hardly a soul to share my morning with. There is nothing quite as uplifting as jogging beside the surf, sea-breeze in your face and the morning sun on your back, knowing that with every step you are striving towards a healthier, fitter you. I think that running, along with zumba, may well be my new addiction, there is definitely something addictive about it!! 

My favourite “running moment” by far was the morning I spotted my uncle (who I hadn’t seen for around a year) as I walked down to the beach. I waved enthusiastically at him and was puzzled to not receive the customary acknowledgement back. It was only as I approached him closer and saw the recognition slowly register on his face that I realised that he simply had not recognized me. He was used to seeing a 24 stone woman lumbering towards him, not the nearly half-sized, energetic niece in lycra and running shoes that stood before him. I will not deny that it was a moment I relished!

I had several of these “Wow” moments during our stay in Wales, as we spent some of our time visiting relatives, all of whom I had last seen before I embarked on this weight loss effort. It was very gratifying.

Last week saw a sad anniversary in our family, but also the anniversary of a life-changing decision. 
A year ago, my husband lost his mother after a brief illness. Naturally it was a very hard time for us all, and it was only compounded by the fact that his father passed away just five months later. However, it was these losses that spurred both my husband and I to look at our lifestyles and finally come to understand that something had to be done to change the unhealthy habits that we had developed and that led to both of us being obese. When you are a parent yourself, losing your own parent can bring into stark reality of your own mortality. When my mother in law died it hit us hard how devastating it would be, one day, to our own children when we leave them behind. What struck us both harder was the sudden understanding that we were doing nothing to prevent an accelerated march towards early graves, with the bad food and lifestyle choices that we were making. Something had to change. And change it did. Both my husband and I are now much slimmer, healthier people, looking forward to spending many more years, hopefully, in our dotage enjoying our children, and, maybe one day, grandchildren. If my In-Laws left one true legacy for us, it was the  jolt to our systems that we needed to make a positive change that might ultimately save and extend our lives. And for that I am grateful.

I was recently looking back at some of my old blog entries and re-read my “Wish List” one, which I wrote early on in my weight loss journey. In it I chronicled a number of goals that I wanted to achieve in the future. Reading through it again I realise that I have achieved many of these targets already. There are only a few left to reach and I’m pretty confident that I can tick these off very soon in the not too distant future. When I first wrote this list, strangely enough exactly nine months ago today, some of the ideas seem a little ambitious and I did wonder if I was deluding myself as to whether I would ever attain these dreams. But now, after this “nine month gestation period” I have “given birth” to a New Me!!! A Me with more hope, more positivity, more energy and a greater zest for life than I could have imagined. So I guess it’s time for a new Wish List…Here goes…. ·          I have already touched on, in previous blogs, that I am doing the Race For Life with my daughter this coming June. It is my ambition that I will run or jog at least part of the 5K route, maybe even all of it. Walking is just not good enough, anyone can walk. I’m going to RUN!!! Next year, I will sign up for the Breast Cancer Moonwalk in London. I will probably start with the 13 mile Half Moon, but, who knows, a year is a long time. Maybe I’ll be up for the full 26 miles…. ·          This next one is a biggie..I’m going to do the Rooftop Walk at the O2 Arena in London Why is it a biggie? Mainly two reasons, firstly, it’s a pretty steep climb and will need a certain level of fitness to complete without collapsing in a heap and requiring a winch-lift from a paramedic helicopter halfway through the effort. Secondly, and more importantly, I am utterly terrified of heights. And I need to conquer this. When I told my husband of this plan he baulked at my idea, knowing how many trips up towers and high monuments I have refused due to my crippling terror of anything above three floors high. But this is my logic…I was terrified of losing weight, the thought of it completely intimidated me. But I overcame that fear and have reaped the benefits. If I can do that with weight loss, then why not tackle my phobia of tall buildings? Apparently the view is fantastic from the top… ·          For the same reasons I am going to attempt Go Ape, swinging about on rope ladders amidst trees, safe in the knowledge that my weight is fully accommodated and I will not plunge rapidly to the ground when the ropes give way under my excess bulk. ·          I will walk to places that  cannot be accessed by car, starting with the Cinque Terre in Italy  when we go there on holiday in August . (Of course I shall have to convince the rest of the family to do that too..) ·          I will join my friends on a sponsored mountain walk. Some good pals have done Snowdon and Scafell Pike. The next time they do something similar I will join them. I have just realised that my new Wish List completely involves physical challenges. It is this increased energy and physicality that I find myself enjoying more than anything else. It is an incredible feeling, when you have been trapped in an unfit and unhealthy body that restricts you from doing so much, to realise that you have been released from those impositions. Just like when I ran on the beach, I feel free and more alive than I have done so for a very, very long time. And that is a feeling that I want to hang on to for as long as I can. I’ve pretty much caught up with my antics over the past few weeks now. One other thing that we did recently was to have a family photo shoot. My mother had bought us a voucher for a session including a free print, so, on the last day of March, myself, my husband and our two kids trooped to a local studio for a session of posing. When I say trooped, I am probably being misleading. I trooped, the rest of my brood had to almost be physically forced through the studio doors. Let’s just say they were a little reluctant….My husband is not fond of having his photo taken at the best of times, my 14 year old daughter was stressing about spots and the fact she hated her teeth, and our 10 year old boy just wanted to clown around , striking superhero poses. As for me, well, sporting my svelte new figure I was determined to preserve the moment for posterity: “Come on children, let’s do this while Mummy is thin and not too old…” We have yet to view the results of the session, so the jury will remain out until the photographs are viewed. Wish Me Luck…….

Dear Future Me...

I am currently participating in a Facebook "100 Day Challenge" to lose weight, and part of this is to move into different "rooms" which each offer a separate task to complete. These tasks involve examining and addressing various issues that manifest as we tackle weight loss. The activities so far have been varied, from taking photos to doing lip-sync videos, to confronting our fears and voicing our aspirations. All have been aimed at understanding and rectifying our motivation to lose weight.
This week we were assigned to write a letter to our Future Selves, to be read at least a year from now. This was my contribution.....

"Dear Future Me,

If you are reading this in a year’s time, you will have just turned 47 years of age, and will hopefully have enjoyed several months of maintaining after reaching the target of halving your weight from the 24stone that you started out at, back in May 2015.

As I write, you have already said Goodbye to 10 and a Half of those stones.

You should be comfortably fitting into Size 14 clothes, maybe a size 12, and will have continued along the fitness path and anticipating a much sprightlier foray into Middle Age.

You should have completed the Race for Life with your daughter in June, comfortably worked through the Couch to 5K, and signed up to do the Moonwalk Half Moon 13 mile trek (and already be in training).

You will have taken part in a number of activities with your children that were too much for you just a year or so ago.

 Do you remember the Rugby Mums End of Season Obstacle Course, where part of the course was to squeeze through a tractor tyre, and you had to get your daughter to do that on your behalf, for fear of getting stuck? Well, I hope that you dived and flew through that tyre this time. I also hope that you joined in the Parents’ Rounders Match and ran!!!

You would have returned to your favourite holiday spot in Italy in August, and I trust that you took lots of lovely family walks, unfazed by the heat and unburdened by your size. Plus, you would have fitted easily in the airline seat without having to humiliate yourself by asking for a seatbelt extender.

Remember to focus on all the wonderful opportunities that have been afforded to since you have lost weight and not to linger on the regret that you didn’t do it sooner. You just didn’t, there is nothing you can do about it, so look forward and enjoy the extended, healthy future that you have bought back for yourself.

 And take pride in the fact that YOU did this, nobody else did or could. YOU made this happen.

You have made some wonderful new friends in this journey, some of them online. I hope that you have finally managed to meet some, if not all, of them face to face, maybe at the 2016 Cambridge Weight Plan Conference.

I hope that you head has now caught up with your body and that it is less of a surprise when you catch your reflection in the mirror and see a slimmer, trimmer woman smiling back at you. I hope that you have stopped feeling self-conscious in clothing shops, wondering if everyone is looking at you, feeling judged and persecuted for your size. You can now hold up your head and feel “average”, in the best possible way. You can let the biggest and most noticeable part of you be the personality that shines from within, not the bulk that you allowed to define you.

I hope that you will have sustained your healthy relationship with vegetables, that you continue to make good, wholesome choices about what you nourish your body with. Sure, you can allow yourself treats from time to time, but these must be treats, not indulgences that become habit. It is the habits that were your downfall before.

If all of the above aspirations have been achieved you will also now be aware of one shining, but undeniably tough truth that has emerged from this journey you have been on.
There was, and never will be, a Magic Spell that will banish the weight for good.

 The quest to keep your health will be a lifelong task. You will have to work hard for the rest of your days if you want keep the body, the health and the longevity that you have attained so far.

You will never again, be able to “eat exactly what you like, whenever you like”. Because you know, deep down, what you like is all the food that made you fat, in large quantities, and all the time. You will have to take care to preserve what you have striven so hard for. You will have to keep working hard and staying aware from now on. This is the price you must pay if you want to keep what you have achieved.

Your body is like a vintage car that lay neglected, unloved and dilapidated for years hidden in a garage, now loving restored back to its former glory and taken out to show off with pride. You wouldn’t go tearing this car up on the motorway, or leaving it to rust in the rain. You would invest time and care into maintaining its peak condition so that it can be loved and enjoyed for many years to come.  You will have to pay out for parts, and replace bits that wear out from time to time. It will cost you more than your average run-around. You may have to make sacrifices to pay for costly maintenance. But, hey, won’t it be worth it when you hit the road, with the wind in your hair, attracting admiring glances from your fellow road users?
 Treat your body with the same respect, and accept that there is no resting on your laurels. This journey didn’t end at Target, it lasts for the rest of your life. A life, which, hopefully, you have extended.

 You were a food addict. You are still a food addict- you will always be, but hopefully you can remain “in recovery”. Just as the alcoholic is only one drink away from relapse, you are just one serious binge away from that slippery slope back to Fatness. Don’t let it happen. Some days it will be hard work. There will be temptations, there will be excuses, there will be celebrations, and there will be tough times. Some of these times will be inevitable. But at other times you will have the opportunity to make choices. And the choice that you will always have is whether to allow yourself to give in to temptation, “just the once”…. See these events for what they are – one-off occasions, not the beginning of a return to old habits.  Don’t let these events become the gateway back to ruin.

You will make mistakes, you will slip up, but don’t let these mistakes lead you further down the pathway to self-destruction. This path, although it may at first be strewn with woodland flowers and seem to be lit by beaming sunlight, soon leads into a dark and dangerous place, beset by thorns and haunted by beasts all too willing to devour you. And the deeper you go into the woods, the harder it is to return.

I hope that you are learning all this and nodding wisely at these words, and not wishing you had paid heed and having to think about undoing some bad decisions you made which have taken you back to a point you were at before I wrote this letter.

I believe in you, Future Me, I am putting my trust in you to continue this precious work I have done so far. You deserve this, but you must work for what you deserve. Don’t let me down. And Good Luck xxx"

Run, Forrest, Run.....

Today is Leap  Day, 29th February. Traditionally a day when roles are reversed and frustrated spinsters are encouraged to propose to their stubborn commitment-shy beaus and hopefully bag themselves a shiny new solitaire diamond  and a lifetime of wedded bliss. Wouldn’t it be nice if all things could be reversed today and we could declared today as “Negative Calorie Day”?  How awesome would it be if, on this date every four years, all foodstuffs consumed would have a positive effect on our  waistlines?  How fantastic if we could have a government-endorsed Gorge Fest, safe in the knowledge that we were contributing in a good way to our health?  Sadly this is not the case, and no trying to justify to myself will change the cold, hard facts that I have no excuses to stuff my face, and that  I if choose to do so then I will gain weight. Sad but true…..

I had a little taste of this the other week when my husband and I took a well-deserved Valentine’s Break to a spa hotel not far from  us. We had a lovely time, mainly, there were a couple of hiccups, such as having to ring up reception to demand our sparkling wine and chocolates which were supposed to be waiting for us in our room on arrival; the ‘breakfast in bed’ which arrived 45 minutes late and stone-cold; and the fire alarm incident (an alarm went off which  unfortunately caught us during mid-afternoon sparkling wine and vodka fuelled – ahem – ‘recreational activities' in the hotel room  – cue frantic, drunken searching for clothes while the alarm screamed away, only for it to turn off just as we reached the door..). 
But apart from that a fabulous time was had by all. 
Alcohol was drunk, chocolates were scoffed, a large three course meal was consumed and the Plan was well and truly abandoned for 36 hours….And do I regret it? Not really…

The Monday morning after what has become fondly known as my Valentine’s Blowout (no innuendos please..), I had the day off work as it was Half Term for the kids. So I booked myself in for a morning weigh-in with my consultant. I rarely have weigh-ins before 5pm as I’m a staunch 9-5 er so I exploited this opportunity fully.  I abstained from breakfast, took in minimal fluid and donned my lightest clothing in the hope, despite my weekend indulgences, that the scales would be kind. I was very fortunate, and that day I was advised that I had lost another 2lbs, bringing total weight loss to 10st 2lbs. 
I was utterly thrilled – I had got away  with it!! 
However, my sage consultant had some words of warning for me not to rest on my laurels. In her experience with other clients, she had seen what I would call the “Stealth Weight Gain”. This is a bit like the “Stealth Hangover” when you wake up the Morning After a heavy night feeling fresh as daisy. Do not be fooled, for by teatime you will be begging for death when the full force of the alcohol hits you straight in the face…
The Stealth Weight Gain can also catch you unawares, making it’s presence felt at a subsequent weigh in, just when you thought you were out of the woods. I am very glad that this warning was imparted to me as I am sure that, otherwise, I would have been highly tempted to continue on the slippery slope of indulgence believing that “it wouldn’t hurt”. It would be so easy to convince myself that, as I had got away with once, I could get away with it again. Dangerous thinking…
So, armed with this knowledge I aimed to be resolute for the following week, sticking 100% to plan, drinking my water and staying with the exercise. At the consequent weigh-in I stepped excitedly on the scales, expecting a typical good weight loss. Instead I found that I had stayed the same. 
The prophecy of my  wise adviser had come true – the Stealth Gain had manifested itself, albeit in a lower form, but there was no doubt that the scales were repaying me for my indulgence. 
I am very grateful on two counts, firstly that there wasn’t an actual gain, and ,secondly, that I heeded the advice from my consultant. Had I not, I’m convinced that I may  have had to temporarily hand back my Ten Stone Rosette until I had rightfully earned it again.

Apart from the aforementioned Monday, I sadly had to work for most of the kids’ Half Term holiday , but I was afforded a day off on the Friday.  And, boy, did I make the most of it!  I took my son, and 18 of his 10 year old rugby playing peers (plus a few extra parents – I’m not completely masochistic!) to a nearby trampoline warehouse where had booked the kids in for two hours of, hopefully, Half Term Energy expending fun.  On the day we had a spare, prepaid ticket, so one Mum and I decided to split this in a one hour session each of adult bouncing on the trampolines ourselves. I was a little trepidatious but also determined to have a go – because I could.  Just  nine months earlier I wouldn’t have been able to, mainly because I was one and a half times over the weight limit for the apparatus, but also because there was no way my unwieldy, obese body could have handled the exertion. Even until recently I probably would have turned down the opportunity, afraid that I wasn’t up to the effort and also incredibly self-conscious that the view of a large lady attempting to spring  across the warehouse, chunky limbs flailing and muffin-top undulating,  would have instilled a mixture of mocking amusement and abject fear into my fellow trampoliners. I’m sure there would have been cries to keep the first aid kid and defibrillator close by!  Not so this day! Tentatively I donned my “special socks” and tiptoed to the battle zone. My first bounce was a bit of a disaster as I had drastically underestimated the sheer bounciness of the nets, and I rebounded dramatically to land flat on my back.  Dignity – disposed of!  After that I slowly got the hang of it and found myself dashing around like Tigger, having a whale of  a time. I felt 10 years old for the first time in, well, nearly 36 years. The freedom I felt was just so liberating and empowering. Now, dear reader, at this stage, I feel that I better place a warning – a kind of disclaimer to “ladies of a certain age” . Thankfully I had been warned by a fellow Rugby Mum who had previously participated, of the toll that defying gravity rigorously and rhythmically can have on one’s Pelvic Floor. And, that, my dears, is another warning that I am grateful for. I came prepared with  a suitable stash  of Tena Lady, and thus was, thankfully, saved the shame of being evicted from the warehouse for eliciting an evacuation of the bouncing area “for  sanitary reasons” and accruing a subsequent cleaning bill.  If you are reading the previous paragraph with puzzlement, get your Mum or your Wife to explain to you, and be grateful!!!

The following day I was expecting to suffer from Bambi Legs, but I was surprised to feel just a small twinge in my my upper thighs. What really hurt were my shoulders, and I can only assume that this was from flinging my arms about, Windmill-Style, in gay abandon as I bounded from net to net like the reborn child I had become.
This experience has been very enlightening and has made me realise how much I have missed out on whilst I was carrying the additional ten stones plus before I finally decided to shed them. It really hit home when I asked my son what his favourite part of that day had been. He looked me in the eye and with heartening sincerity, said to me “It was when you joined us, Mummy. I loved bouncing with you and seeing you have so much fun”. 
Those words, I can tell you, really hit me in the feels. 
Suddenly I was filled with an overwhelming regret and remorse for the times that I didn’t join in with activities with my children. All those times I sat on the side-lines watching them, feeling fat and ungainly. So many opportunities lost. 
At that moment, I decided “never again” and am already planning my next physical ventures with the kids. My daughter and I have signed up to do the Race For Life together this June. She begged me to do it last year and I found myself incredibly relieved to find the date clashed with a family event. This year – no excuses, and now I have to put my money where my mouth is. Training starts imminently.

Speaking of running, I recently found myself watching the movie Forrest Gump. It is a very cleverly written movie, well deserving of the Oscar accolades, and is packed with wisdom and analogies for life. Regular readers of my blog will already be aware that I am fond of using movie anecdotes as metaphors, and it was during one particular sequence of this great movie that I kind of saw parallels with my own weight loss journey.  Stay with me…this will hopefully become clearer as we go along….

The sequence I am referring to is where the eponymous hero, Forrest, after losing his beloved Jenny once again, decides to don the running shoes that she gave him as a gift , and just “go for a little run”. Before he knows it, he has reached the far end of his town, so he decides to continue to the end of the county where lives. After that, still feeling the need to run, he opts to run right across his state and, before he knows it , he is running across the whole of the United States, several times….

He does this for “ three years, two months,  fourteen days, and sixteen hours”, attracting a following and media attention as he goes along, before he finally decides his running days are over.

So where am I going with this little analogy? Read on, and hopefully you will be enlightened…

Now that I have lost over ten stones in weight, my weight loss has become undeniable. People notice it. People remark upon it. And people ask me questions about it. 

One of the questions I am frequently asked is “what made you want to start losing weight?” . And my answer is “I don’t really know, I just decided one day to do it”. 

Unlike for some, there was no ‘lightning bolt moment’, there was no one key incident or event, no terrifying photograph that inspired me to finally do something about the weight that was dangerously encroaching on my health and longevity. 

There was none of that. One day, I simply decided to “Just Do It”. 

Like Forrest, I just decided to ‘go running’. 

Also, like Mr Gump, I didn’t really have a goal to achieve, I had no idea how far I was going to go. So I set myself little landmarks. A Stone weight loss, three stones…five stones…100 pounds…And, just like Forrest, when I got to those points “I figured since I'd gone this far, I might as well….just keep on going”. So I did…In some ways, it was as simple as that. One day, I just got up, decided to go for it, and, before I know it, the miles (or in my case pounds) were far behind me.  Most days I didn’t really focus on where I was going, on where I had come from, I just kept my eyes on the road ahead and ran. As our hero did, “When I got tired, I slept. When I  got hungry, I ate.” But the run continued, and much was gained from it. 

Later in the film, Forrest recounts the wonderful sights and experiences he encountered purely from running through the places that his running shoes took him. I can certainly relate to that, since I started on my journey I have met some amazing people and enjoyed some fantastic experiences that would never have come my way had I not decide to embark on that run and just keep running.
Another way I can relate to Forrest’s running is the attention it attracts as he does it. The media follow him on his journey, and people join him as he runs along. Forrest recounts ... “Somebody later told me.....it gave people hope. Now I don't know anything about that”. 

Now I hope that this doesn’t make me sound big-headed, but I understand this, as I have been told countless times by people seeing my success that it has inspired them to do the same. In fact, I even have my own band of ‘runners’ who follow me and have joined me on my journey..”  - friends who have taken up the plan and members of my Facebook group, which now numbers more than 950. A little like Forrest, I am also asked by people to help them out, and I try.  However, as it transpires in the movie,  those asking for my help discover that they are more than capable of helping themselves out. They just had to run along a little and learn to turn misfortune to opportunity.

Ultimately, just like in the story, I did not set out to make a spectacle of myself, or to inspire people – “I just felt like running”. And run I will. The road is mine, if you care to join me, I’d be grateful for the company.

Unlike in the film, I do hope that, when I decide it is time to stop running (when I reach my target) that I do  not leave behind me a band of disillusioned followers with no direction , asking “Now what are we supposed to do?”. That is not what it’s supposed to be about. I want to be able to pass on the torch on and watch others blaze on ahead, as I head back “home”, safe in the knowledge that I am changed forever by my effort and experience.

In his summary of the experience, Forrest says:  “My Momma always said  you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. And I think that’s what my running was all about”. And that is what I am endeavouring to do – to leave behind the fears, the regrets, the excuses that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Every journey starts with that first foot forward, and, as Forrest proved, you don’t even need a reason to do do it. Just start running. I’m still running, and who knows where the road will take me…Wish Me Luck….

Bounce..and Just Show Up....

As I type away at this post today, I am battling away at the bane of this winter season – the common cold. So, I have no idea how long this blog entry will be, it depends on how far I can get by on Lemsip and sheer bloody-mindedness!!! Colds are utter bastards, they can very rarely kill you, but they bear the hallmark of making you feel like death!!! It’s the perfect storm of aches and pains, the energy drain, the thick head and the constant outpouring of noxious substances from one’s nostrils that lead you to wish for a merciful and swift end to your suffering. 
Since picking up this lurgy, I have struggled with staying on plan. I have managed it, so far, but only by the skin of my phlegm-coated teeth!!! Some illnesses can destroy your appetite, you can’t face food while your body fights to recover. Not in this case, I am craving all manner of sugar-laden, energy-boosting, quick fix comfort foods in the hope that they will alleviate the urge I feel to retire to my bed until Spring…. I also have in the back of my mind the old adage “Starve a Fever, Feed a Cold”. Whether this is true or not, I would be all too willing to give it a try. However, in another recess of my head I know the truth that no amount of takeaway, snacks or pudding will provide me with the vitamins and nutrients required to boost my immune system. So I am relying on the vitamins in my products, and drinking bucket-loads of lemon and ginger tea, with a dash of Apple Cider Vinegar.
I only hope that the cold starts to subside by this weekend. My husband and I have booked a Valentines Romantic Weekend Break in a spa hotel not too far from us. I know from experience that romance is more traditionally expressed by Red Roses than Red Noses. And I don’t look my most alluring self with a streaming, puffy face, bent double with a hacking cough…. If I am sufficiently recovered, one thing I do intend to do is come off plan for the day. I think we deserve it and nobody wants to spend £150 quid to nibble on a lettuce leaf…

This week at weigh-in I achieved a very satisfactory Milestone. I had lost five pounds in the week, which brought my total loss to EXACTLY TEN STONE. Suffice to say, I was absolutely delighted. For some reason, ten stones seems to be a great deal more than nine stones. Maybe it’s the Double Figures, a bit like when your Firstborn celebrates their Tenth Birthday. It is such an amazing feeling and I am determined that last week was the very last time that I am ever going to see the number 14 (or any number bigger) on the scales ever again. 

To be honest, the fact is still sinking in, I wake up every morning and think “Blimey- Ten Stone!”…and then I wonder how I did it. Sometimes this whole journey, so far, seems like a dream. I know that I have to lose that attitude because it definitely and absolutely is reality, whereas with dreams you eventually wake up. I still live in fear of that “wake up moment” when everything comes crashing down, when I screw up and go back to old habits. I clearly don’t trust myself that I can actually do this. I’m waiting for the fall…and that it is not healthy.  Because if you believe something for long enough then it is at great risk of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is great when the belief is positive…but not so fabulous when the belief is founded by fear….Fear is a funny thing, it can be a fantastic motivator, but it can also hold us back and prevent us from moving forward. I need to learn to harness the Good Fear that will push me forward and ignore the other little voice that tells me not to bother because it will all end in tears….It’s back to the old staple of Courage. Courage seems to be key in all of this……

Since my weight loss has now become undeniable, people often approach me to praise and congratulate my “willpower and determination”. This is a concept I really struggle with. For me, those two qualities are employed when someone really wants something, when they are aspiring to a prize. And that wasn’t me.  I did not want to lose weight. And I certainly did not want to cut out all the delicious, copious foods that I had been habitually consuming with gusto and pleasure for too many years . I wanted to carry on my own merry way, thank you.  So what, if my clothes got tighter, I would just buy bigger clothes.  And if anyone judged me by my size, that was their problem. We should all embrace Fat Acceptance. … But then it hit me full in the face…my health was at risk. And that was something that could not be papered over by fashion or attitude. No matter how nicely I dressed or how tolerant I was of others, all of that would amount to very little when I am dead. And I have so much I wanted to do, so much of my childrens’ lives I wanted to witness. How could I do that if my weight caused my life to be cut short? So Willpower? No. Desperation? Yes!

Many moons ago, when dealing with other issues in my life, I developed a personal mantra- “If you want to bounce, you have to hit the floor”. This, to me, means  that if you want to make radical changes in your life you’ve got to accept that it’s going to hurt. To truly understand where you want to be, you have to hit Rock Bottom. And you have to sustain the impact that going into free-fall before you hit that point will generate. It’s basic physics (about the only bit I understood before I spectacularly failed my O Level..) Without an object of resistance, free fall is perpetual and there is no coming back up from that. But hitting an object, at any speed, will have an effect on the falling object.
The effect on me was pretty painful. I had to let in all the insecurities, all the fears, all the denials that I had expertly hidden away for so long. The thoughts that festered within me and enabled me to continue on the deadly free-fall to ill health. The Irresistible Force of my Denial met with the Unmovable Object of the Truth. And the Denial had no choice but to move in a different direction – upwards…towards  positivity…but back through, and revisiting all the issues that I had failed to address on the downward journey. 
I am glad that I am addressing these at last, no matter how tough it can be sometimes , because I have a feeling that if I don’t there will be another wall waiting at the top , ready to ricochet me right back until I have learned the lessons that I need to.
So Willpower nor Determination are not really the focus here. Nor is Focus. These words refer to having a specific goal, and I don’t really have one. Unless you count having a long and healthy life. And of course, if I achieve that, ironically, I won’t be around to celebrate!!!

So what keeps me going? For me, it is mutual support and leveling with people that can empathise and understand the situation I find myself in. I reach out to people who “get” me. And I also share my successes and struggles. I used to belong to a support group for other issues who stated to all its members to “just show up” . It didn’t matter how much or how little you contributed, the true healing happened when you immersed yourself in being understood. And you discovered the deep, profound realisation that nobody is unique or alone in their problems. We are not alone, but it is terribly easy to convince ourselves that we are, and that our problems are incurable. That self-delusion is all part of the shame that anchors us to our issues. 
The old-uns are the good-uns. A problem shared really is a problem halved. But sometimes we don't even really know what are problems are anymore, we have become so adept at concealing them to both ourselves and others. It is much harder, however, to deny when you recognise your own behaviour in others. And that it is where the magic of "just showing up" really comes in. You may not know what you want to achieve, you certainly will be clueless as to how you are going to go about it. But I guarantee that if you just show up, pretty soon someone will come along who can lead the way...That was where I was, desperate and alone. But I interacted with people who spoke my language. Who had lived in the same, harsh landscape I was facing. And. little by little, their strength rubbed off on me.....
So, if you are at the start of your journey, and frightened of being able to harness that willpower, then let go and “just show up”. Take it a step at a time. Each little step adds up. It did for me. It’s still doing it for me. Wish me luck…
I do hope that this blog entry made sense...the cold is starting to addle my senses...time for another Lemsip I think....