Since picking up this lurgy, I have struggled with staying on plan. I have managed it, so far, but only by the skin of my phlegm-coated teeth!!! Some illnesses can destroy your appetite, you can’t face food while your body fights to recover. Not in this case, I am craving all manner of sugar-laden, energy-boosting, quick fix comfort foods in the hope that they will alleviate the urge I feel to retire to my bed until Spring…. I also have in the back of my mind the old adage “Starve a Fever, Feed a Cold”. Whether this is true or not, I would be all too willing to give it a try. However, in another recess of my head I know the truth that no amount of takeaway, snacks or pudding will provide me with the vitamins and nutrients required to boost my immune system. So I am relying on the vitamins in my products, and drinking bucket-loads of lemon and ginger tea, with a dash of Apple Cider Vinegar.
I only hope that the cold starts to subside by this weekend. My husband and I have booked a Valentines Romantic Weekend Break in a spa hotel not too far from us. I know from experience that romance is more traditionally expressed by Red Roses than Red Noses. And I don’t look my most alluring self with a streaming, puffy face, bent double with a hacking cough…. If I am sufficiently recovered, one thing I do intend to do is come off plan for the day. I think we deserve it and nobody wants to spend £150 quid to nibble on a lettuce leaf…
This
week at weigh-in I achieved a very satisfactory Milestone. I had lost five
pounds in the week, which brought my total loss to EXACTLY TEN STONE. Suffice
to say, I was absolutely delighted. For some reason, ten stones seems to be a
great deal more than nine stones. Maybe it’s the Double Figures, a bit like
when your Firstborn celebrates their Tenth Birthday. It is such an amazing
feeling and I am determined that last week was the very last time that I am
ever going to see the number 14 (or any number bigger) on the scales ever
again.
To be honest, the fact is still sinking in, I wake up every morning and
think “Blimey- Ten Stone!”…and then I wonder how I did it. Sometimes this whole journey, so far, seems like
a dream. I know that I have to lose that attitude because it definitely and
absolutely is reality, whereas with dreams you eventually wake up. I still live
in fear of that “wake up moment” when everything comes crashing down, when I
screw up and go back to old habits. I clearly don’t trust myself that I can
actually do this. I’m waiting for the fall…and that it is not healthy. Because if you believe something for long
enough then it is at great risk of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. That is
great when the belief is positive…but not so fabulous when the belief is
founded by fear….Fear is a funny thing, it can be a fantastic motivator, but it
can also hold us back and prevent us from moving forward. I need to learn to
harness the Good Fear that will push me forward and ignore the other little
voice that tells me not to bother because it will all end in tears….It’s back
to the old staple of Courage. Courage seems to be key in all of this……
Since my weight loss has
now become undeniable, people often approach me to praise and congratulate my
“willpower and determination”. This is a concept I really struggle with. For
me, those two qualities are employed when someone really wants something,
when they are aspiring to a prize. And that wasn’t me. I did not want to lose weight. And I
certainly did not want to cut out all the delicious, copious foods that I had
been habitually consuming with gusto and pleasure for too many years . I
wanted to carry on my own merry way, thank you. So what, if my clothes got tighter, I would
just buy bigger clothes. And if anyone
judged me by my size, that was their problem. We should all embrace Fat
Acceptance. …
But then it hit me full in the face…my health was at risk. And that was
something that could not be papered over by fashion or attitude. No matter how
nicely I dressed or how tolerant I was of others, all of that would amount to
very little when I am dead. And I have so much I wanted to do, so much of my
childrens’ lives I wanted to witness. How could I do that if my weight caused
my life to be cut short?
So Willpower? No. Desperation? Yes!
|
The effect on me was pretty painful. I had to let in all the insecurities, all the fears, all the denials that I had expertly hidden away for so long. The thoughts that festered within me and enabled me to continue on the deadly free-fall to ill health. The Irresistible Force of my Denial met with the Unmovable Object of the Truth. And the Denial had no choice but to move in a different direction – upwards…towards positivity…but back through, and revisiting all the issues that I had failed to address on the downward journey.
I am glad that I am addressing these at last, no matter how tough it can be sometimes , because I have a feeling that if I don’t there will be another wall waiting at the top , ready to ricochet me right back until I have learned the lessons that I need to.
So Willpower nor Determination are not really the focus here. Nor is Focus. These words refer to having a specific goal, and I don’t really have one. Unless you count having a long and healthy life. And of course, if I achieve that, ironically, I won’t be around to celebrate!!!
So what keeps me going? For me, it is mutual support and leveling with people that can empathise and understand the situation I find myself in. I reach out to people who “get” me. And I also share my successes and struggles. I used to belong to a support group for other issues who stated to all its members to “just show up” . It didn’t matter how much or how little you contributed, the true healing happened when you immersed yourself in being understood. And you discovered the deep, profound realisation that nobody is unique or alone in their problems. We are not alone, but it is terribly easy to convince ourselves that we are, and that our problems are incurable. That self-delusion is all part of the shame that anchors us to our issues.
The old-uns are the good-uns. A problem shared really is a problem halved. But sometimes we don't even really know what are problems are anymore, we have become so adept at concealing them to both ourselves and others. It is much harder, however, to deny when you recognise your own behaviour in others. And that it is where the magic of "just showing up" really comes in. You may not know what you want to achieve, you certainly will be clueless as to how you are going to go about it. But I guarantee that if you just show up, pretty soon someone will come along who can lead the way...That was where I was, desperate and alone. But I interacted with people who spoke my language. Who had lived in the same, harsh landscape I was facing. And. little by little, their strength rubbed off on me.....
So, if you are at the start of your journey, and frightened of being able to harness that willpower, then let go and “just show up”. Take it a step at a time. Each little step adds up. It did for me. It’s still doing it for me. Wish me luck…
I do hope that this blog entry made sense...the cold is starting to addle my senses...time for another Lemsip I think....
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