Inspiration

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
I walk down another street.” 

― Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

I discovered this little poem some time ago, when I was going through a tough time in life. It epitomises how I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, and how easy it is to repeat learned behaviours that are detrimental to my wellbeing even when common-sense tells me otherwise. 
In compulsion and addiction, common-sense is all too easily traded in for self gratification.

I have fallen in the hole, I have sat in the hole, I have expected others to pull me out of the hole.

I need to understand that there is a hole, but it is just a hole and I can jump out of it, instead of sitting at the bottom feeling sorry for myself.
I have to accept that the hole won't go away just because I keep falling in there.
I have to accept that maybe the hole will never go away, and that the best thing I can do is simply avoid it.

And I have to accept all of that before I can take the next step of changing my route.

Learning from one's mistakes can be a tortuously slow process, sometimes the 'light bulb moment' doesn't come until you have stumbled about in the dark for a long time, bruised yourself on the furniture and fallen in the hole - a lot.

But that is OK.

Another quote I like, attributed to Einstein, although I don't know if this is true or not is:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."


This tells me that radical change requires a radical change of thinking. 
And that requires unlearning old and bad habits, breaking free and challenging myself.

If I keep going down the path that I have been going down then I can only blame myself for ending back at the same, miserable place that I started.

I am making little changes already, and starting to skirt around that hole.

But I don't want to spend my life shuffling and edging on the sidewalk to avoid that pesky pothole.
I want to be able to take big, confident strides, knowing that there is no risk of tumbling down again.

I really think that it's time that I tried  to walk down another street.

Wish me luck.