Day Three....

So here I am, embarking upon Day 3 of the Cambridge Weight Plan. I am doing Step 3 which, to my relief, includes ‘real food’. I have a shake for breakfast, fruit throughout the day as a snack, a green salad and a soup for lunch. Then for dinner I have a protein-heavy meal with veg and limited carbs, and then a little fruit snack after. I have a milk allowance of half a pint of skimmed, and I need to consume at least 2.5litres of water per day.

So the verdict? So far, so good.

I came back from a fabulous and relaxing holiday in Cyprus on Sunday night. Despite being on my holidays I had already made the decision to make healthier choices about my food. My husband and I rejected our staple diet of bottles of Pepsi Max and opted for water instead; I had fruit most days for breakfast; I ate the salad that came with my meals and left the chips on my plate. Cyprus is a fantastic place for meat-lovers, their kebabs and pork chops are heavenly, all grilled with herbs and wonderfully succulent. The puddings can be a bit of a challenge as Cypriots have a terrible sweet tooth, with pastries drenched in honey and sugar but I coped! I also had to lay off the pitta bread and dips. Fortunately I did most of the driving so alcohol wasn’t an issue. I also spent a considerable amount of time in the pool so my exercise levels were escalated.

If I’m honest, I find it easier to control my urges for food when I am on holiday. For me, food is something I turn to when I am miserable and bored, so sunshine and holiday fun can provide very welcome distractions. The true challenge will come when I am having a ‘off day’ either at work or stuck at home with the rain pelting down and the kids driving me nuts!

Anyhow, on June 2^nd (which happened to be my 15^th wedding anniversary) I arrived for my appointment with my consultant to commit myself fully to the plan. I was utterly delighted to discover that I had lost four pounds since our last meeting. It appears that the small changes that I am already making have had an impact. This is a fantastic motivator for me and has helped to propel me forward in my resolve.

I am pretty relieved that the plan I am on is not the ‘liquid only’ diet. I gather that weight loss may be a little slower but, frankly, that doesn’t bother me. I understand that I must stay on this for the long term and if that involves taking the ‘scenic route’ then so be it. This way my husband can join me in my plans, and I can sit down with my family to eat ‘proper’ food. I mentioned in a previous blog about ‘cold turkey’ but, on reflection, perhaps that was a little inappropriate. I certainly believe that I have some kind of addiction to food and it is these addictive drives that have caused me to gain all this weight, however I am starting to realise that food addiction cannot be treated in the same way as drug or alcohol addiction. If I were a junkie or an alcoholic the only way to recover from my dependency would be total abstinence, but, unfortunately, that cannot be done with food. I suppose the addiction lies with sugary and fatty foods and those can be eliminated as far as possible from my diet, but I still have to eat to live. If I were to have undertaken a more rigid ‘liquid only’ plan, there would have come a time where I would have had to reintroduce real foods again, and I’m not sure if I could address that without feeling a strong compulsion to return to my bad habits in search of the gratification I had been denying myself until then. Doing what I am doing now offers me an opportunity to re-educate my palate and to learn to gain satisfaction and sustenance from the food I choose, under the watchful eye of ‘the plan’. Also, sticking to this longer term may just allow more time for better habits to form. I have always been a bit of an “all or nothing” kind of girl so this is new territory for me. I just hope that I have the resolve and the stamina to see it through.

So how have the last three days gone for me? Well, to start with, I have probably consumed more salad, fruit and vegetables in the last few weeks than I have in the past few years of my life. It is no secret amongst my family and peers that I am pretty ‘veggie-phobic’. If I can avoid the green stuff then I will do so, like the plague. I find them to be bitter and unappetising. I so envy those who can consume veg and actually enjoy them. Even when doing Slimming World, I chose every other option than the ‘free’ fruit and veg.  Unfortunately, on this plan, in addition to the soup, there are only two options – salad or nothing! I am not a great fan of the latter as it tends to result in a hungry and, ultimately, very grumpy me. So I was down to the one choice. Now, in previous attempts at ‘diets’ I have eaten a selection of green, leafy vegetables but they would have been virtually unrecognisable, so slathered would they have been in a calorific dressing (my favourite was blue cheese or coronation chicken) in a desperate attempt to disguise the taste and convince myself that I wasn’t putting the devil’s own bogies into my mouth. This plan, however, does not give me this option and, on Day One, like a chided schoolgirl I reluctantly filled my lunchbox with the green stuff, ready to take the pain at lunchtime. My only saving grace was that I was permitted Balsamic Vinegar as dressing and, the previous day, had discovered that my local Lidl stocked fruit-infused balsamic vinegars in flavours of apple, pear or pomegranate. Unfortunately on the first day I was a little over-zealous with the pomegranate and had applied it liberally to the salad in the morning, so that by the time lunchtime came, I was faced with a box of soggy leaves swimming in a brown sludge. As my stomach was rumbling by that time, I had no choice but to consume it. I cannot report a joyous experience but I swallowed every mouthful, trying hard not to grimace at my desk. I have since learnt to bring a small vial of dressing with me and only apply it prior to consumption and am pleased to announce that yesterday’s salad experience was considerably less traumatic. I did ‘cheat’ a bit by adding some cherry tomatoes. These are not part of the ‘plan’ as they have a slightly higher carbohydrate content, but when I discussed it with my consultant she advised me to go ahead as they are still pretty darn healthy. I am not entirely sure that I am embarking on a love affair with salad but we will learn to tolerate one another. This is a good thing, and also a step forward in my relationship with food. I am eating because I need to and not because I want to. Because I am not necessarily looking forward to food I don’t make all the wrong associations with it.

Another thing that I have increased is my water consumption. I have to drink at least 2.5 litres of water per day. This isn’t too bad, I did wonder if I could handle having to drink so much liquid that wasn’t sugary or caffeinated, but I seem to be handling it reasonably. I heard about an android app called ‘Water Your Body’ in which you can log all the cups and bottles of water you have drunk each day. It even reminds you to drink at regular intervals. I found this really useful as, not only did it appeal to my ‘inner geek’ (I am practically attached to my phone), it also was a helpful tool in measuring exactly how much water I have taken in. The only downside of this new habit is that the toilet and I have become much more closely acquainted, as my kidneys and bladder are wondering why the hell they suddenly have to work so hard. I suffer very badly in the summer from water retention, everything from the wrists and knees balloons, so I am hoping that this will help me too when the heat starts to ramp up. For your information, writing this blog so far has already been interrupted by three ‘comfort breaks’….

As I have given up the Pepsi Max, and other caffeinated soft drinks, for now, I made the decision today that I would replace my cups of coffee at work with Green Tea. So, en route to the office I popped into Waitrose and emerged with a pack of every flavour I could find (I told you I’m an “all or nothing” kind of girl) so that I could sample the varieties available. I have now tried Twinings ‘Salted Caramel’ and ‘Cherry Bakewell’ varieties and, to be frank, I’m not that impressed. They smell delicious, exactly as described, however, inexplicably, the flavour seems to drain away between the lifting of the teacup and the placing to the lips. Still I will persist, I have several other flavours to peruse. Also, drinking these frees up my milk allowance which I can convert to 170g low fat yoghurt. I’ve always been a puddings person, in fact if I could skip the main meal for dessert I probably would. I am hoping that a yoghurt might satisfy me for now.

Office life can be a challenge. Like most of my colleagues I eat at my desk and my peers  are used to seeing me scoffing down a calorific sandwich, a large packet of crisps, washed down with a fizzy drink and followed by a small pot of trifle or similar. Some have already remarked about my change of lunch habits. I have told them I’m on a “health kick”, I don’t really want to mention the Cambridge Plan as I know some wouldn’t approve. I also don’t like mentioning being “on a diet” either, as I feel uncomfortably exposed to the opinions and judgement of others (although this is probably mainly in my own head) and don’t want to become a victim of the self-imposed ‘Diet Police’. Truthfully, I want to do this plan and lose this weight as discreetly as possible, although I do know that, at some point, I won’t be able to hide it. When you successfully lose weight you can become public property, there are some individuals who are genuinely pleased for you, and there are others who are obviously jealous. But all want to hear all about how the weight loss was achieved, and many offer unwarranted ‘advice’ on how to continue. And of course, if you trip up and fall, there will be those who notice, and even those who revel in, your failure. I’m not ready to deal with that so I am quietly doing my own thing and not making a song and dance about it. This is another reason why I am not going down the route of groups such as Slimming World and Weight Watchers – my journey, this time, is for me only. I have shared my decision with only a few close friends who understand and support me (and not even my mother) and am keeping this blog private until I am confident enough to share it with the world.

But, back to office life. The downside of working in a social environment is the continuous sharing of sweets and cakes. We have an entire table (which I have to pass on my frequent toilet breaks) dedicated for the presentation of the many delicacies , biscuits and pastries brought in by our workmates. I. myself, as dictated by tradition, brought back local fayre from my holiday in the form of four boxes of Cyprus Delight. This table presents the spectre of temptation, especially in the afternoon when energy levels are flagging. So far, I have been able to resist, and also refused cake during a team meeting which again, traditionally, may as well have had ‘cake break’ included in the agenda. I do hope that I can continue my resolve.

In order to motivate me, I have a small post-it note on the corner of my computer screen. To everyone else it looks just a five-bar-gate tally count related to my work. It actually is a count of pounds lost so far and already totals four. I hope to add much more in the coming months.

My biggest fear is, and will probably remain, whether or not I can maintain this enthusiasm, drive and momentum in my weight loss journey. For the last two days, as I have gone to bed feeling pleased with myself for getting through an entire day, that demon on my shoulder pops up reminding me that “it’s only been two days” “you got this far before and then you FAILED..”. I really don’t know how to squash this little demon, and my only strategy is to ignore him and continue regardless. One day at a time….

I also worry about how I am going to cope with social events. I have an evening out in London with my mother on Monday (we are going to watch the filming of one of my favourite comedy quiz shows – QI) and Mum has already suggested going out for dinner. I’m not really sure how to approach this without going off-plan and without letting my Mum know I am “on a diet”…….. This requires careful thought….

Finishing on a positive note, I had an interesting and, I believe, very telling dream last night. I strongly believe that in our dreams our subconscious has free reign to send us messages metaphorically to show us which direction we should be moving in or where we are going wrong. I dreamt last night that I had a dramatic haircut, reducing my shoulder length hair to a close-cropped pixie cut. In my dream, I was incredibly nervous as to whether my husband and friends would approve, in fact I wasn’t even sure if I liked my new style myself. However, everybody loved the new look and it made me feel fabulous. My interpretation of this dream (especially as I have no intention of cutting my long locks of which I am quite proud) is the inner desire to change my appearance dramatically and the fear of disapproval. I relate this directly to my weight. In fact, many moons ago, before embarking on a weight loss attempt I did get my hair cut, and I realised later that it had been a small concession to dissatisfaction with my appearance.

So there we have it, Day 3 is underway, only five days till my first Weigh-In. I’m actually quite excited and trying to shut up the demon who tells me I could be disappointed. Now time to endure the salad…….