Some Q&A...

Things are still going well in my little world, I’m now on Day 33 of being back on plan 100% and have lost another 4lbs. This brings my total weight loss to exactly 9 and a Half Stone. 

To bring this into perspective, that is what my mother weighs!! Admittedly, she’s a diminutive lady of 5 feet One inch (my father was 6’4”, they made a curious couple! I seemed to have come out somewhere in between at 5’7”). Anyway, I am now ‘officially’ a size 16, which is pretty good considering that I started off in size 26 jeans..). Clothes shopping has become a joy now, although I have to say, I do find that the choice is suddenly a little overwhelming. I had been so used to looking for my size first before even considering the style, that it took a little while to register that I’m almost ‘average’ now… 

A week or so, I got myself measured for a new bra, and discovered that my size has shrunk from a 46G to a 36G. It seems that “the girls” haven’t shrunk much, but my general circumference has. My husband like to “measure” my progress by seeing how much further he can get his arms around me when we hug, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I’d been wearing some old bras with a 40 inch measurement in the interim but have now had to invest in some ones that fit me correctly. And a whole new world has opened  up for me – pretty  bras with under-wiring…so much choice…Gone are the days of opting for the matronly support ‘scaffolding’ in heavy and purely functional duty lycra …now I can flaunt my norks in delicate lace and a rainbow of colours. Naturally, the matching panties had to be purchased, too – goodbye Bridge Jones knickers.. …hello lacy lingerie…My husband is not displeased…..

We received an invitation to a family wedding yesterday and I've just booked the hotel stay. Unfortunately hubby can't get the time off but I'm travelling up with Mum and the kids. There'll be family members who haven't seen me for two or more years (note to self - do not upstage the bride!!). The Big Day is July 16th. I've worked out that an average loss of just 2lb per week would take me 6lbs beyond my Target of 11.5st (a 12.5st loss). I don't think that's too ambitious, do you? Certainly something to aim for…

Talking of targets, yesterday I did a brave thing. On my public Facebook timeline, amongst a post mentioning my latest weight loss, I "outed" myself, with an admittance of my starting weight. So now everyone knows, not just the selct few I trust. That number has spooked me for too long, but I decided that there's now enough distance between me and it for it not to sting so much anymore. It was terribly shameful but I think I'm getting over it now. I had a wonderful outpouring of support and encouragement from friends and I lost count how many times I was called 'inspirational' (well, I am an ENFP personality type - we are deemed "the inspirers". To find out your type go to www.16personalities.com ). That being said, I didn't set out to put myself on a pedestal or inspire intentionally, and to be lauded in such a way makes me a little nervous. Being the People-Pleaser type, I am hyper-aware of the opinions of others (probably far too much) and  I worry that I might be seen as vain or self-promoting by some. Maybe I am- I’ll have to work that out - there is a very thin line between self-confidence and self-centredness. However, I do believe with all my heart that if something good happens to you that may benefit others, then you are duty bound to share it. The same goes for publicising your mistakes. One of my mantras id "if you can’t be a good example then at least be a terrible warning".

My husband, my rock in all of this, entreats me to be cautious about the attention I am receiving for my weight loss, and rightly so. He has seen how my ego can deflate very rapidly when the interest in me wanes. And that is when I am most at risk of reverting back to old, unhealthy habits. He worries that when the novelty of this journey has worn off that I will become complacent. He does have a point, and it is something that I must be very vigilant of. However, I do have a counter argument – I have been overweight, in varying degrees but consistently, for around 30 years of my life. I am only now experiencing the “novelty” of approaching a healthy shape and size for the first time since my mid teens. I think it may take a long time to get used to that, and a fair while for the novelty to wear off.

Going back to my Facebook post, among the responses, I've been asked the same few questions by several people. The first one being along the lines of "do you really need to lose much more weight?" or warnings "not to waste away". I'm grateful for their concern, but am very cautious. At 14st 7lb, I am still classed as Obese, not even overweight yet. I would have to lose another 3 stone to get into the top end of a normal BMI. It appears that, on the outside, I carry my weight pretty well right now, but for me it’s not just about physical appearance. In fact, it's primarily about my health. So that comes first, and if the health guidelines say I should aim for a healthy BMI that's what I hope to do. It's not a figure set in stone. If I hit a plateau around the 12st mark I may well review it, but that's a bridge I will cross when I come to it. 

The next question I get asked is "what are you going to do about excess skin?” 

My answer:  I don't know. I am starting to notice some "floppy bits" mainly around my arms, stomach and underneath my buttocks but I'm trying not to let that bother me. It's my arms that I'm most aware of - the dreaded 'Bingo Wings'. My arms were very, very big and tight with fat before I first started and now there is a distinct 'underhang'  left. I'm in serious jeopardy of resembling a Flying Squirrel. On the positive side, if I ever fell off a cliff (and I do only live six miles from Dover), I could probably stretch out my arms like Batman and glide to the beach below in relative safety.  Of course, I'd rather not do that (after all, as my blog moniker states "IAmWonderWoman" not Batman, and she is sensible enough to employ an invisible plane) . So, as summer is not that far away (believe it or not) and I'd like to be able bare my arms without feeling too self-conscious , I'm ramping up the exercise in the hope that some bits will tone up. In fact yesterday I bought a set of 1.5kilo wrist weights to wear during my Zumba class. I've already warned people to steer clear of me during class when I'm flailing my arms around, otherwise there could casualties and concussions. A mis-timed arm swing and I'm even at risk of knocking myself out!!! A stumble with a blow to the head in the restrictive space of village hall occupied by 20 plus prancing ladies and we could all go down like colourful dominoes….

But even those efforts may not resolve the redundant skin issue. I'm not deluded enough to aspire to have arms like Michelle Obama, so I'm going to have reconcile my head with the fact that this may just have to be a cross I have to bear. I don't think I would be prepared to resort to surgery (although I have set up to record a series, which I will watch with interest, called My Extreme Excess Skin due to show on TLC in early February https://press.discovery.com/uk/tlc/programs/my-extreme-excess-skin/ ). At my age, I don't believe that it's wise to subject my body to invasive and risky surgery for cosmetic reasons, I'm no spring chicken and recovery rates deteriorate as you grow older. More importantly, I have a relatively young family that I intend to stick around to see grow up, and would not want to do anything that might even very slightly put that at jeopardy. After all, it is surgery, and that carries its own risks. So I will do what I can but I may have to live with my “imperfections”. Just as some women who have borne children consider their stretch marks to be battle scars, perhaps I should do the same. After all, everything comes with a price, and I should be grateful for all the amazing benefits my weight loss has brought me so far….

The last of the “Holy Trinity of Questions” that I am having to answer is “are you worried that you will put all the weight back on when you eat normally again?” I touched on this in my previous blog, but the short answer is “yes, I am afraid, and the closer that I come to target weight, the stronger the fear becomes". Just as the land on the horizon is becoming more visible as I row closer to shore, I am increasingly aware of the sharks that populate the waters. The Cambridge Weight Plan has become my lifeboat rescuing me from drowning in a sea of health and sanity threatening behaviors, but, just like any ship, it can only take you so close to shore, and then you have to get out and swim the final stretch. It’s a thought that really daunts me, but I know that it is something that I have to muster the courage to face. A true case of “feel the fear, and do it anyway”.  Of course, right now it’s too far to swim, but it’s never too soon to start preparing yourself for what you know is coming ahead. Preparation and awareness are so important in any journey of self-discovery  and self-improvement.

I have a job interview this coming Monday. My workplace is under threat of closure in a couple of years so now seems like a good time to try and make a move. About three years ago, I was in a very bad place emotionally and utterly hated my job. I had returned from an  idyllic five-year stay in Cyprus and placed in a post that was not my choice. It was, however, a job and I had to accept it. Grudgingly, very grudgingly. I alienated myself with my colleagues and was under threat of disciplinary action because my attitude was so poor. In my own twisted head I was bitter at what my life had become – a dreary job on a dreary island and I exuded this negativity from every pore. I felt entitled to something better but believed I was powerless to change it. I applied for job after job after job and received refusal after refusal after refusal. I saw myself a Big, Fat Failure.  I think around then, although I was pretty overweight to start with, I really started to pile on the weight. Food became my favourite crutch.

Over the last 18 months or so, I have started to re-examine my attitudes, behaviours and motives and everything in my life has improved exponentially. The weight was the final piece in the puzzle and I could only tackle it once I had sorted the demons in my head. Now I am even happy at work, despite  still doing the same job, and am much more successful at it. 

One day, something clicked inside and I finally got the message that life was trying to deliver to me – that the power to change and grow existed within me, and only me. Nobody else could do anything  to make me happy- that was totally and utterly my responsibility. Only then did I begin to grow.

So why am I deciding to try and move on in my career now? If it ain’t broke, then why try to fix it?
Well firstly, it is always important to push and improve myself. I need to seek out and try new challenges and it feels like the time is right to go for something else. Of course, life might have other ideas. I may not get any of the other jobs (in fact, I’ve already been turned down for one I applied for before Christmas) and then I have to look at my situation and see what this experience is trying to teach me. Every stumble, every falter is an opportunity to learn, we just have to have the courage to face the lessons.

 For me, while I am content and competent in what I do, this is the best time to make a change. Changes that come from desperation and an urgent need to escape, in my opinion, come from the wrong motives. I’m sure at the job interviews two years ago I exuded desperation, the sense of urgency to get away from my current situation was leaking from every pore. That is not attractive, literally or metaphorically. No wonder I didn’t get the jobs. Life still had a few lessons to teach me about my present situation – running away was not an option. In the same way, I believe wholeheartedly, that it is only wise to approach weight loss when you have garnered a degree of self-love. Trying to transform yourself from someone you hate to someone you hope you can love is too tall an order. If you are your own enemy, then you have no real reason to help yourself. Nobody with any sense would offer themselves up to their adversary.  It takes a special kind of courage to stretch out a hand to the detested part of yourself within and say “look, I know we’ve not seen eye to eye so far, but I think if we work hard together we can be friends. Let's try to get to know one another and find some common ground”. This takes time, it takes effort and energy. It takes courage. You have to dig deep, face some scary thoughts, and bring them out into the open, Just like vampires, negative feelings fester in the dark and cannot survive in the clear, illuminating light of day. I am working on that courage, I am exposing my weaknesses to the light and watching them turn to dust. I am a work in progress....

Wish me luck….