Lots to Say....

It’s been a little longer than planned since I last posted a blog entry, but I’m pleased to say that I’m still very much on track. My poor mobile phone had to go to the Phone Hospital with a cracked screen and it took with it all the voice notes I make when I think of something I want to blog about later.  Plus I’ve had a mentally busy week and simply haven’t had the time or opportunity to commit my thoughts to text. Still I’m here now! Since my last blog I’ve attended two weigh-ins and lost 6lbs and 5lbs at each. That brings my weight loss to 25lbs in five weeks. I couldn’t me more delighted. I am fully aware that I won’t lose at this rate all the time, but I can’t tell you how glad I am to see the back of those numbers on the scale. I am hoping that there are two numbers I will never, ever see on a scale again. Well that’s me outing myself as weighing over 14stone , tee-hee!!! Talking of “outing myself”, recently a Facebook blunder led to me ‘fessing up to my 400+ friends on FB that I am currently on the Cambridge Weight Plan. I do, admittedly, have a wee obsession with Facebook and it has proved to be my best friend and my worst enemy on many occasions. This time, it began as the latter and then became the former…. Recently, I formed a Facebook group aimed at folks on the Cambridge Weight Plan who, like me, have a long journey ahead of them. This is where I find Facebook the most useful – in the creation of support communities where folks can safely discuss specific common issues. I have strongly believed for a considerable time that success in conquering demons lies with mutual support from people who can truly empathise and identify with your situation. This group has already gained considerable success and I have gleaned a great deal of encouragement, inspiration and positivity from the good people who share their journeys with me in this little online sanctuary. Anyhow, one day I posted a few sentences about what had motivated me to try the Cambridge Plan to this group.  Or so I thought…  I had actually posted it to my own timeline and unwittingly shared it with every single friend who reads my ramblings. By the time I realised my error it was too late, my remarks had been seen and even ‘liked’ by a good number of people. On realising my mistake, my heart leapt to my throat and I felt really quite disturbed. Until then I had made the conscious decision not to share the fact I was doing this plan. Why? Because I lived in fear of the disapproval and judgement I would receive from people who would not condone my decision to go on this plan. Would they think I was “cheating”? Would they start to have expectations about my progress which I would, inevitably, fail to achieve? It was a terrifying prospect realising that I had exposed myself so transparently and vulnerably to their opinions.  At that moment it dawned on me, I had two feasible options: I could sink into my default state of denial by deleting the post and hoping that nobody would remember it; or I could summon up some courage, apply brutal honesty and admit everything in the open forum of my timeline.  Dear Reader, I hesitated but in the end I decided to take the Road Less Travelled. Even as my fingers were poised above the keyboard I wondered if I was about to throw myself into the Lion’s Pit of Judgement, but I pressed on and hit ‘send’ before I could change my mind. And then, to my surprise there followed nothing but a flood of encouraging and supportive words from my peers….I was, frankly, quite overwhelmed by the compassion and positivity that emanated from all of my friends. In fact, I felt considerably ashamed to realise that, instead of being judged I had actually been the one passing judgement on others, expecting nothing but cruelty and contempt from those who have never shown evidence of either to me. As my journey progresses I am starting to understand that I have been projecting my own deepest fears and insecurities on others. I am beginning to comprehend that this is  part of the denial I have been deeply entrenched in for far too long. “I feel I am cheating” becomes “You think I am cheating”. “I will fail” becomes “You think I will, or expect me to, fail”. “I am afraid of change” becomes “ you will reject me if I change”. Why do I do this? The only conclusion I have come to is that is easier to ignore or  rebel against feelings and thoughts that you have convinced yourself come from anywhere except inside  your own head. You can apply the “stick and stones” approach to disapproval that you tell yourself is being aimed at you. You can apportion blame to others who you see as being uncompassionate to you, and you can then dedicate your energy on fighting these people, and engender a false pride from tackling the detractors head on. I have armoured myself for too long with “fat pride” and “I am what I am” . But this armour was not only weighing me down, it was totally unnecessary. There was no battle.  The true battle is to acknowledge that these voices are in your own head, that there is a mental tape on loop playing within that tells you that you are worthy only of disdain and condemnation. And to recognise this voice for what it is, to fight against it and disprove it will lead eventually to victory in a long-waged war. I am now fighting. I will win. Of course, a true war is really a series of small battles and some I will win, others I will lose. But I must not give up. I must don a new, truer armour – the breastplate of Courage and the shield of Honesty and march forward. I hope that this hasn’t come across a little too “Pilgrim’s Progress” for some readers, but I do like to engage metaphors to put make my point!!My consultant told me that, on reading my blogs, she felt the sense that this weight loss journey was “a life and death thing”. I guess it is, I am fighting for my life. At work the other day, in a totally non weight-related matter, I had to resolve a disagreement with my boss. He told me “you are your own worst enemy”. This has been a mantra my husband has adopted for some time, too. Maybe I should start listening. The only demon I don’t feel ready to disclose yet, is revealing my own weight, not even to those closest to me. I now know that this is linked to the issues I have detailed above, I just can’t yet get over the fear that I may confront shocked faces saying “you weighed HOW MUCH???”. It’s probably in my head. But maybe when I have distanced myself a fair bit further from that number I can finally free myself of its tyranny. So back to the real world. I am pleased to report that hunger still hasn’t hampered me in my efforts. I went with friends to an open-air music event last weekend, which is typically the mainstay of a Gorge-Fest, where food and drink flow liberally. This time  I held my ground, I brought my own supply of food and stuck to it. Preparation and Determination , these are the keys to success! Currently, I seem to be able to mentally flick a switch in my head whenever I get the urge to eat something naughty. I’m only human, if I pass a table filled with doughnuts I still have my ‘Homer Simpson Moment’ ..”mmmm…doughnuts…”  but, right now, I am able to prevent the previously inevitable actions of hand to doughnut – doughnut to mouth. When I go shopping I still make a beeline for the pudding and snack aisles, however these items have, thankfully, remained out of my shopping trolley. When I went to the cinema recently with my husband, as soon as I entered the complex my thoughts were not on the anticipation of the film we were about to see (even if it did have Chris Pratt in it...mmm…Chris Pratt…”) but wondering which ice creams were on offer at the stall that day. These thoughts are just formations of Habit. Habit, as well as Emotional Eating are the two biggest enemies of weight loss. If you repeatedly do the same thing enough times your brain will condition you to expect that action each time you are in similar circumstances. So if, every time you visit the cinema you visit the ice cream stall , the two actions will become fused in your subconscious. You will expect and crave ice cream simply because you are at the cinema! The same goes for passing the doughnut table, eating crisps in front of your favourite show and so on and so forth. I read about this recently and it was a real eye opener to realise that I was fully adopting this behaviour without really knowing it. But Knowledge is Power and once I had found this small nugget (mmm…nuggets…) of truth it lost its power over me. I’m still a long way from total success but now I recognise this way of thinking I can learn to counter it. I once read that a good way of dealing with cravings does NOT involve telling yourself that you cannot have a certain item of food. Not at all. In fact, tell yourself you can eat anything you want! But don’t stop there..the full sentence continues : “you can eat anything you want…but you have to live with the consequences of eating it..” Now doesn’t that change things? Those of us who are parents will already have applied this psychology to our children at some point. Have you ever had a time when your darling little offspring has persistently and repeatedly performed an action that you knew would end badly? Such as pulling the cat’s tail or provoking their older sister. Despite your exhortations they ignore you and continue on their course of action. Eventually the inevitable happens, the beleaguered moggie loses patience and directs a well aimed claw, or the exasperated sibling retaliates. What do you say when confronted by a wailing child? “I told you so..”. Isn’t it about time we listened to our own inner parents before we grab that slice of cake??? Talking of parenting, a little while ago I lost the plot with my youngest child and ‘went medieval on his (literal) ass” (thank you Pulp Fiction for that awesome phrase).  In our house over the past few weeks the only consumers of crisps and treats have been my children. I recently went into my son's room and, behind his bed, unearthed a massive stash of empty packets -crisps, sweets, ice lollies and other items he had nicked from the fridge. This wasn't the first time I’d caught him out  he had been repeatedly offending. Even though I had  given him chance after chance he simply continued regardless  of the punishments. So on this occasion, Mummy went Postal….... I ransacked the kitchen and removed and disposed of all tempting and unhealthy foods, figuring that the only way to prevent temptation was to completely remove the objects tempting him. There were tears and tantrums, begging and pleading but I stuck to my objectives. What frightened me most is that I recognised this behaviour in myself in the past and it terrified me to think that the two most precious things in my life, my children, could end up like me. This compulsiveness I knew so well in myself reflected back through my son scared me.  So now my house is a crisp, fizzy drink and chocolate free zone. There will be treats offered again, as I believe total deprivation is a dangerous path but my son is now encouraged to choose fruit and healthier options. He won't appreciate it now but maybe one day he'll thank me.... This week I’ve also started doing 20 minutes, or 10km , on the exercise bike. All good stuff. After all this heavy navel-gazing and self-contemplation I am going to attempt to lighten the mood by broaching a potentially taboo subject. The Pre-Weigh-In Poo. Having done the rounds of slimming clubs and doctors’ visits where stepping on the scales would be inevitable I am all-too-familiar with this concept. When the dreaded appointment looms, all that you can focus on is what number would appear on that infernal scales and wondering if it would be less than the last time you approached it. And in such critical times every ounce counts! Just as a hot air balloon ditches sandbags in order to maintain altitude, you start considering yourself what you can throw overboard. First it starts with the clothes you are going to wear.. Jeans and heavy boots are a no-no, even on the coldest of days you would rather risk hypothermia than see a gain on the scales. Then comes the jewellery, anything of value must be discarded in case it registers adversely against your progress. However, the balloon is still not floating high enough, so now you have to consider the cargo. Anything you are carrying within the ‘basket’ must be jettisoned as soon as possible. And so, with the ominous Moment of Reckoning approaching you find yourself heading to the toilet, hoping beyond hope that the Pre-Weigh-In Poo will come…You will strain, you will burst blood vessels, you will risk a life plagued by hemorrhoids in pursuit of that elusive bowel movement. If the Poo doesn’t come you are doomed to abject disappointment. If you are fortunate enough to pass a substantial log, well…victory has never smelt so sweet…. I found myself in this very predicament the other week as, half an hour before my consultant appointment I was perched upon my throne urging my bowels to move, when suddenly the ridiculousness of it all struck me full pelt. Why was I doing this? What did I really want to achieve? I have mentioned in previous blog entries that slimming clubs brought out the competitive streak in me and every week I sought the prize of the “slimmer of the week” accolade. A successful dump before the meeting would considerably enhance the chances of me snatching the sought-after fridge magnet from the hands of my adversaries in the group. But this time, I am doing this weight loss journey purely by, and for, myself. I have no-one to compete with anymore, so why am I getting obsessed with moving down the scales just an iota by straining myself when success will come at the same pace if I simply continue on the same path I am by following the plan? On reflection it is utter insanity, what real difference does one poo really make? Another bad habit that I picked up at Slimming Clubs was a concept we used to call ‘Bermuda Triangle Night’. This was based on the fact that the ‘diet’ for the week ended just prior to the weekly weigh-in, and then recommenced the following morning, thus leaving us an evening of indulgence to “blow out” before we stared afresh the next day. Included in this was either a sense of reward (“I’ve lost weight, therefore I shall treat myself with something naughty”) or commiseration (“I didn’t lose weight therefore I shall cheer myself up with something naughty”). This is truly utter madness. I got myself into the predicament of being the size and weight I am by persistently rewarding and commiserating myself with food in the first place, why did I think that I was behaving any differently simply because I restricted this to one night? I hadn’t addressed the one, glaring issue – Food should never be used to provide any gratification other than its nutritional intention. This is a tough one, because food is entrenched with ceremony and celebration in our culture but for those of us who struggle with eating issues, every incident has the potential to become a celebration or compensation. And that is where we fall down. Food should be part of an event, not the primary reason for it. I know I am guilty, when about to go out for a meal with friends, of anticipating more what food will be on offer than looking forward to enjoying the company of good people. This is unfair not only to my friends, but to myself. I am now focusing on finding a new non-food reward or commiseration on weigh-in day. I try to schedule my weigh-ins for Tuesday evenings just before my session of Choir. I love choir, singing makes me happy, how could it fail to? If I do well on a weigh-in, I have choir to look forward to. If I don’t do so well I can cheer myself by singing my heart out. This appointment schedule also has a couple off added benefits. My Tuesday routine is -  come home from work at 5:30ish, weigh-in at 7 then choir 7:30 till 9:30. This forces me to break another insane cardinal rule of weigh-in night: “Thou shalt not eat before stepping on the scales”. If I were to adhere to that I would be starving ! So dinner has to be fitted in before weigh in. And by the time I get home I just want to go to bed, so no late-night nibbles after….Winner!!! I know that this has been a particularly heavy (excuse the pun) blog, but I have had over two weeks since posting of contemplation and rumination, all of which I wanted to commit to text while it was still fresh in my mind. I will end on a positive and more cheery note, maybe even comedic. This morning I attained what is known as a non-scale victory. Whilst getting ready for work this morning, I eyed the blue skies out of my window and decided I would retrieve a pair of linen trousers from the back of my wardrobe to wear. These trousers still bore the price tag from last summer as when I had purchased them they were indecently snug. Today they fitted and, so delighted was I that I paraded around the bedroom and woke my sleeping husband so he could pay homage to my success. I stood pointedly in front of the snoozing bear and just as he opened one weary eye, my trousers slithered unceremoniously off my waist and hips and dropped to my ankles. They were actually too big!! It took a little explaining that my intention was to wow him with my new size, not to cause hilarity with a slapstick trouser moment. Still, laughter burns calories! So that is my latest update. Hopefully the next one won’t be quite so protracted. In the meantime, wish me luck……