A Normal Overweight Person....

This week, I “only” lost one pound!!!  Now, before I am hounded by torch and pitchfork bearing angry dieters desperate for any loss, I totally concede  that this is still a loss, and I fully accept that I should be grateful for any decrease on the scales, but I would be lying if I failed to admit a slight disappointment in the results.  Over the past few weeks, since embarking on Step 2, I have had some very acceptable losses, eight pounds  then three pounds, which have catapulted me into the six and half stone loss bracket.  I was also very fortunate to be rewarded with six colourful rosettes by my consultant for each stone lost so far (I know that I may protest at the madness of giving out stickers and fridge magnets, but, deep down, I am still a little girl wanting something bright and shiny for my efforts!).   Unfortunately, despite my efforts this week being 100% as ever, my body decided to cling on to the majority of the weight for another few days, Why? I really don’t know, I cannot blame cheating or hormones, I could probably attribute some to slight constipation (which was spectacularly resolved the following day – oh the cruel irony) but I have to simply accept it is just “one of those things” – a glitch in the unpredictable Matrix which is my weight loss journey.   This is the smallest loss I have had since I “took the red pill” just 20 weeks ago and ventured down the rabbit hole of dealing with the weight issues I had denied for so long. And that “little” loss stung my pride a bit, I can’t deny it.  (Uh-oh, is that marauding hordes  I can hear in the distance…???). It is that wounding of my pride that has made me realise that I am facing yet another test in my weight loss journey. My resolve is up for question. When the weight is falling off rapidly, it is very easy to be carried along the current of positivity and motivation. After all success breeds success.  When you meet an obstruction in the river, however, it is highly tempting to give up, and form a stagnant little pool by the bank. I wish that I could say, honestly and wholeheartedly that these thoughts did not cross my mind, however there is no denying that the dark part of me which still lurks within started to wonder why I should bother. “All that hard work and sacrifice for one measly pound?” “I may as well just cash my chips in and indulge myself a little this week, it’ll make no difference anyway”. Mad, mad, crazy thinking. But I thought it.   Thankfully, the “angel on my shoulder” still has some power and drop-kicked the devil into touch. But it was close.

Giving up on a positive path due to a setback or failure is such a common behaviour and I would imagine that most of us have been there. 
Sometimes the journey seems too hard, the reward seems too scant and we ask ourselves is it really worth the effort to keep going. 
The problem is, that if we stop, we don’t just remain where we are, we start to stagnate, we even start to regress backwards. 
When a river is dammed, whirlpools and eddies will form behind the obstruction, whirling little bodies of water going nowhere but in confusing circles. If the blockage is not overcome, eventually the water will settle, weed will grow over, flies and will populate the area and decomposition will settle in. 
Yet, the world is not full of stagnant pools, there are flowing streams and  babbling rivers making their way to the sea every day, providing fresh life-sustaining water. If you observe a dam, it is never truly still, a little trickle still works its way through. Sometimes the trickle gathers strength and speed and breaches the banks to continue along that path. Whether a trickle or a torrent, water has the power to push  its way through with incredible force or to persistently erode away over a long period of time. Either way, it makes its way through to where it belongs. 
I must aspire to be like that water – tenacious, persistent and resolute. Whether I am gushing along or seeping through, I must not stagnate. And so, I will refuse to let any setback stop me. If I continue along this way in the way I already have, eventually I will break through. Nothing will stop me.

This journey is fraught with challenges, although I try to see them as “opportunities to learn and grow”. The “devil on my shoulder” popped up again this week when my consultant told me that she is going away this week for a very well deserved holiday. This means that there won’t be any weigh ins for me for the next three weeks. 

That sneaky little demon was whispering in my ear almost immediately…. “ooh, three weeks! You know what that means – you can eat a bit naughtily for a little while. As long as you are good for the few days before your next weigh in…who would know…” 

hmmm….tempting…. 

The angel on my other shoulder, aghast at this suggestion did her darnedest to counter  “why would you do that? You are six pounds off a seven stone loss…nine pounds from having lost 100lbs…this is the ideal opportunity to work hard and blast through, you’ve got three whole weeks to work on it..” . 

But the Devil was on a roll…”look – you only lost a pound this week, you are GUARANTEED to have a bigger loss next week, as long as you don’t go overboard, that will carry you through till the next weigh in. Look, the cat’s away, time for the mice to play..You DESERVE this as reward for all your hard work recently…” 

At the words “as long as you don’t go overboard”, the poor angel raised her eyes heavenward, suppressed a celestial curse and sighed….being a far wiser soul, she knew all too well that the terms  ‘self control’, ‘moderation’ and ‘restraint’ have been all too scant in my vocabulary for much of my life.

And, yet, her patient little voice seems to be getting through to me – slowly but surely. For, right now I have decided that I will push through, I will work on and not let down myself, nor my consultant, by dropping the ball in her absence. 

Looking at it logically, the other decision would be yet more utter madness, yet the thought was there, ready to germinate in my susceptible head. I really wish that the Devil would bugger off for good and give me an easier life but I guess I must accept that he is currently there, perched on my shoulder, eager to exploit any perceived chink in my armour. I have carried him around for so long, and paid him so much attention he has probably secured Squatters’ Rights on my shoulder. He came in uninvited but I gave him so much credence that he has no motive to leave. All I can do is learn to ignore him. Just because he is talking I don’t have to listen, no matter how tempting his propositions are. Maybe one day I’ll get the hint.

In the meantime, I shall arm myself with positive reasons to keep going the way I am going. 

I am definitely starting to reap the benefits of this healthier lifestyle, and so are my family. 

My husband, who, although not doing Cambridge, is following me in eating more healthily, paid his 'Annual MOT' visit to the doctor last week. Last year he was told that his cholesterol and hypertension were high and that he was at risk of being “borderline Type 2 Diabetes”. This was a particular worry as his father, who died this September, had been Type 2 Diabetic for much of his life and it definitely adversely affected his health towards the end . On returning from the doctors’ surgery this time, my hubby had a discernible spring in his step. Not only had the diabetes risk gone, but both blood pressure and cholesterol had dropped and he had lost two stone. If this is not an endorsement of our new, better choices, I don’t know what is!

Our choices are also impacting on our children. Naturally, we don’t expect them to go on any form of diet but we are promoting better food choices and have banished junk food from the home, with the exception of special occasions. Following such an occasion (during which I stuck 100% to plan!) there were some sausage rolls left over in the fridge. In the eyes of a ten year old boy these would normally be a source of irresistible delight and ‘leftovers’ would last approximately ten minutes! 

Not on this occasion. 

As I pottered in the kitchen one day, my son proudly announced to me 

“I have decided to only eat one sausage roll today!” 

“Why’s that?” I enquired, anticipating a full and detailed description of mould or decay...

.. “well…” he replied “I had a look at the food label, and I’ve decided that there is an unhealthy level of fats and salts in the rolls…” 

Who’d have thought it – my junk food junkie of a son turning into an amateur nutrionalist? Maybe there is hope for us all….

Of course, another fringe benefit is knowing that I look better these days. I am fitting comfortably   into size 18/20 clothing (even jeans!) and had to sell off my old wide-calf boots the other day as they now swim around my legs like over-sized wellies. Thank heavens for E bay, where I can sell off too-big items to make money to purchase smaller ones.

Last week I attended a ‘karaoke evening’ with some very dear friends. These are traditionally very drunken affairs, peppered with snacks and calorie-laden foods, and the occasional bit of singing! 

This time, I came prepared with several bottles of sparkling water and spent the night dodging the snack bowls. But, I still thoroughly enjoyed my evening. 

As the night came to a close, my very dearest friend (who inspired me to start this journey and has supported me all the way), a little worse for wear, came up to me and slightly slurred 

“You have done so well – you now just look like a normal overweight person”. 

Now, coming from the wrong person, this could have been incredibly insulting, but I know that these words were spoken with much love by a person who has fought the same battle and won. 

And her words couldn’t be truer. When I looked back the next day at the inevitable pictures on Facebook the next day , it struck me that I no longer stand out in a group as “the really fat one”. 

Wow – just wow! 

I did look like a “normal overweight person”. And that is just a fab boost to my self esteem. The angel is grinning from ear  to holy ear…

Maybe next year I will achieve an even greater accolade and just be the “normal person”…..

…wish me luck…….

Stepping Down to Step Up....

It’s October! One of my favourite months. There’s something about the golden light, the woody and smoky smells, the mistiness in the air that really floats my boat.  I love to cosy up in snug jumpers and boots (maybe this year I’ll get ‘normal’ calf width boots on my legs) and go on on woodland walks, kicking through leaves  without suffering the Curse of the Fat Bird – sweat. For us overweight individuals, Summer, with all its pleasantries, brings with it the dreaded leakage from every pour, going beyond the “healthy glow” to the “did someone just throw a bucket of water over you?” look in around twenty paces. So, as the temperatures drop, I welcome the chance to don my (smaller sized) coat and take balmy walks amongst the berry-filled trees, picking up conkers with the kids. When I lived in Cyprus, I did miss the Autumn.  Cyprus has two seasons – Summer and slightly less hotter summer (with occasional rain) and snow on the mountains. (yes – Cyprus has a ski resort in the Troodos mountains. Many a time, we would spend a morning sledging and then, in the afternoon, drive back down to the coast and have a picnic on the beach  in our shorts and t shirts. Mental!) As it is October 1st today, it also brings with it the chance for new beginnings and new chances.  And I have seized this opportunity. As of today, with the grace of my consultant, I have “stepped down” from Cambridge Step 3 to Step 2.  This means reducing my daily calorie intake from 1,00 calories to 810 calories, mainly through cutting out all carbohydrates  (this can induce a state of Ketosis, where the body burns fat faster, although I’m not particularly bothered about that aspect), and replacing them with an additional Cambridge product. I’ve opted for the bars, which I have been told are not only tasty but VERY chewy so take a considerable time to consume.

This change of plan came about as my weight loss has slowed down a little in the past few weeks, the regular losses of between four and eight pounds weekly have dropped down to either two or three. I am aware that this is still a commendable loss, but I am hungering for more. I don’t know at this stage if this is a good or a bad thing, but we shall wait and see (or ‘weight’ and see…). What I do love about the Cambridge Weight Plan is that there are options, you can move up or down the steps according to your needs.

 So, it is with some trepidation that I enter October (or Oc-TWO-ber as I am calling it, after Step 2). 
But before I voice my fears, lets me focus on the positives that have led up to this point. 
At my weigh in yesterday, I had lost another two pounds. 
This brings my total weight loss to 5 stone 10 pounds  (80 pounds) since May 14^th. 
I have been reliably informed that this is the weight of the average Rottweiler!!! 
Now, for obvious reasons of personal safety, I probably wouldn’t consider walking around with a Rottweiler draped around my frame (especially not a hungry or grumpy one) but even visualising the equivalent is mind blowing! 
Furthermore, I have ‘graduated’ down to size 20 clothes, even jeans. At my biggest, just four and  a half months ago, I wore a 24 in most clothes and a 26 in jeans. This change definitely makes me happy, and my weekly measurements have reduced by 7 inches on the waist, 10 inches on the hips and 5 inches on the bust  (looks like I will remain top-heavy for now, my husband jests that, at this rate, I will resemble the letter ‘P’!).

Of course, with change comes fear and there are some things that worry me about this step down to Step 2. 
Firstly, I will be giving up my consumption of fruit (not recommended because of its high sugar level) and, for the same reason, tomatoes. I will also have to eschew salmon and a few ingredients in my meals that I enjoy. I am less bothered about carbs, as I have found myself voluntarily cutting them out in meals on occasion anyway. When you only have 40g of rice or pasta to play with, you find yourself thinking “why bother?”. Potatoes will be a little bit harder but I don’t have them as frequently anyway. And I do worry that I will start to feel a lot hungrier without my salad lunch.

Another issue that concerns me is the realisation that I still haven’t completely put an old demon to bed. That demon is fear of judgement and disapproval. 

Granted, I have overcome a few hurdles already – I have confessed to being on Cambridge, I have admitted my starting weight and size, I have written about my most shameful compulsions and eating habits. 

However, I have still held back at least a bit with my candour.  

When people ask me how I have been losing the weight, I have learnt to tell them, upfront, that I am on the Cambridge Weight Plan. However…there is always a disclaimer.. and I find myself qualifying the statement with a comment such as “oh, but it’s not the liquid only version, it’s real food, including salad every day for lunch..” It’s like (actually, no, it IS)  I am still just a wee bit ashamed and embarrassed about the method I have chosen to lose my weight, and  I need to belittle and downsize any aspects that might attract negative attention. After all, I didn’t approve of Cambridge not that long ago, so surely others have similar reservations. 

Why am I doing this? Because I still, sadly, crave a, level of approval and validation from everyone I meet, even relative strangers. 

I’m pretty sure this goes back to my childhood, a little girl wanting nothing but acceptance and unconditional love from an alcoholic (and likely narcissistic) father who simply did not have the capacity to provide what I needed. 

But that is ancient history, something I must now put behind me, and find the courage to work through. 

It was this need for approval that propelled me through previous abortive weight loss attempts. The focus become more on the acclaim and praise than on the benefits to my health and psyche. And, of course, when the compliments dried up, so did my motivation.

This time I am trying hard to focus on the things that matter  to me and to those that depend on me – my health and my longevity. It’s nice getting compliments , I cannot deny that, but it’s better to be able stick around on this planet longer for those that have always loved you and will love you every day.

So, I have started  to tackle the demon. I have told some around me, that I have changed my plan, and I have already received a mixed response. Some have approved, some, frankly, don’t really care and others…well, there’s always the detractors. Comments directed at me have already included "Don't make yourself ill... " "surely it's better to lose more slowly.. " "do you really need to lose much more? ". All well intentioned, I’m sure, but not what I need to hear right now.  I understand that there is a lot of worry and controversy over what people might deem “extreme diets” but this comes from people who do not understand the full facts and are not walking in my shoes.  I used to weigh 24 stone, I still weigh over 18 stone. I am morbidly obese.  My weight has been, and, to some extent, still is impinging  on my health.  I am at risk from a number of life-threatening conditions – cardiac disease, diabetes, stroke, various cancers. Risks which are lessened the further my weight reduces.  It’s not rocket science – I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.  Some might consider this an ‘extreme diet’ but I have been living under extreme circumstances. Desperate times call for desperate measures.  I am at pains to stress, as much to myself as to others, that I am not doing this particular diet for quick, short-term results.  I don’t want to fit into a special outfit for a special occasion, I don’t aspire to a particular clothes size, I have no individuals offering me any carrot on a stick (wouldn’t work any way, I’m not fond of carrots..) if I lose X number of pounds in X number of days. (although if you spelled it ‘Carat’ , I could be persuaded!!!) However, there is an undeniable Sword of Damocles dangling over my head. And I want to get away from it as soon as possible. Perhaps it would be more prudent to lose it more slowly, and I am aware that research has suggested that weight which comes off more slowly is likely to stay off for longer. But, that is a bridge I will cross when I come to it.  To go back to the Rottweiler analogy, currently I am simply running away, as fast as I possibly can, from a dangerous dog, intent on tearing at my heels. Once I have put enough distance between me and the immediate  threat, maybe then I can reduce my pace and conserve my energy. In the meantime, I will just keep running.  The bridge is in sight, in the far distance, but I still have a way to run before I reach it. However, I must rem ember that the dog is relentless and will not give up because I have slowed down. I will always have to stay a few paces ahead of him. As for the concerns that I am risking my health, surely that cannot be further from the truth. What I am due is REGAINING my health. The bottom line, however, is I must continue to learn the lesson that I must derive my self esteem entirely from my own inner resources and not listen to the voices of others who may or not approve of my choices , for they have their own agenda.  Instead I must listen hard for that still, small voice deep within my core that tells me I’m on the right path, the little life-coach in my soul that says “you’ve got this”.

I’m listening…Wish me luck…..