The Island - explained....

After writing and then re-reading my last blog post about my allegorical foray onto “The island” I wondered if my account had been perhaps a little too metaphorical. So I’ve decided to write another post which chronicles the “nitty gritty” of my first few weeks learning to deal with the Maintenance side of my weight loss. After all, if I’m to keep this weight off permanently, I need to dedicate as much effort and energy in maintaining as I did in losing. Otherwise, what would be the point of all the hard work over the past year? There are endless resources to be found about how to get the weight off but the information and advice about how to keep it off are far more scant. This is a real pity as it is well documented that the majority of slimmers regain the wright back and then add some to it in a relatively short time. I know, I’ve done it myself, too many times to count. If I had kept off all the weight that I had lost in previous attempts, well, firstly, I wouldn’t have had to have been battling to shift it over recent years but, furthermore, I would probably be in negative weight by now!!! But it’s no use crying over spilt milk (who am I kidding? The milk was never spilt, it was turned into a large tub of ice cream which followed a large pizza that I guzzled in a matter of minutes!), and what is done is done. The past cannot be changed BUT it can be learned from and I hope that the lessons I have picked up over the numerous attempts will stand me in good steads for the future. Despite the lack of info about Maintenance, I did recently read an article about some health research that I found very encouraging. It said that a study had proved that if people managed to lose weight and that they had lost and keep it off for a full year, they stood a very good chance of keeping it off for life. Now I won’t go into “the science bit”, mainly because I’m no boffin myself, but the crux of the matter is that, in a year, a chemical/hormonal change can take place in your brain which alters the part that controls craving, and you no longer crave the unhealthy food that led you to gain weight in the first place. I do hope that is true.

Of course the majority of stuff that you read about maintenance gives the chance of keeping the weight off for life a pretty bad press. And it is very hard not to listen to that, and give it credence that I don’t think it deserves. Yes, it is true. an awful lot of people do regain the weight, and then some. But then, an awful lot of people see “the diet” as just a temporary state that gets a desired result before the dieter goes back to old habits. I am starting to understand a very difficult and, quite bitter, truth. That I will never be able to go back to my old ways ever again. As the mantra says “if you eat what you always ate, then you will weight what you always weighed”. And I really don’t want to go back there. I want to stay on my Paradise island. But that means accepting that I will never be able to enjoy some of the home comforts of my “old life”, as these do not fit well with the ecology and lifestyle enjoyed by the islanders. Instead I must learn to appreciate and value the things that my old life did not offer me. In my case, it is the health, vitality and freedom I feel. Plus, of course, the ability to fit into, and look better in nicer clothes. Recently, my doctor was able to take me off one of the multiple hypertension pills I had been prescribed, because my weight loss had caused a very positive shift in my blood pressure levels. Right now, that feels a lot better than biting into a burger or scoffing a sundae….
I say “right now” because I am also very mindful of the fact that I am at the “novelty” stage of reaching my weight loss target. It has only been a matter of weeks since I reached that magical number. The compliments are still coming in; I still get incredulous when I catch my reflection in the mirror; it’s still a buzz to stand on the scales and see a number half of that which I started on. But, one day, this will just become “normality”. The compliments will dry up, I will become accustomed to my “new” reflection. I don’t know how soon this will be, after all I have spent around 30 years feeling otherwise, but there is no doubt that, at some point, my life on the Island will become routine and I will be craving a new novelty.  And that is where the danger begins. I may well succumb to complacency and expose myself to the risks that I have taken for granted “just for thrills”, in order to get back that buzz again. And, as any obese, or formerly obese person will tell you, one of the quickest and easiest ways to get a “buzz” or to fill an emotional gap is to eat!! Losing control of my eating habits would be like walking mindlessly around the jungle, and falling into a pit of sinking sand.

 I am starting to realise just how many sinking sands pits there are on my island, and how important it is to be vigilant where I step. For those who didn’t get my “diamond mine” metaphor in my last post, let me spell it out. It’s sweets and chocolates. Tempting but ultimately dangerous. Since reaching target, and not wanting to lose any more weight, I’ve had to increase my calorie intake. Strangely enough, this was harder than I thought it would be. I am still, in many ways, in the “dieting” mind-set, and simply cannot eat the quantities that I used to. My stomach has shrunk, it won’t, for now, let me take in much more food. So, at the end of the day, I have found myself with a number of calories to “use up”. “Why not?” I then thought, “treat yourself to a few sweeties, ice cream or chocolate, just enough to make up the extra calories? After all, you deserve it, you’ve earned them”. Seems pretty harmless, doesn’t it? Especially if you stick to your calorie allowance. If only it were that easy….

What I had overlooked, and forgotten completely, is that sugar can be addictive. It is like any other drug, driven by compulsion and the cravings are rarely satiated. Whilst I was in “full diet mode” and abstaining from sugar completely it wasn’t a problem. But once I let that sweetie goodness pass my lips again, something sparked off in my brain saying”ooh, this is good…I like it…I must have some more”. I have found that having “just one chocolate” is actually very, very difficult and actually triggers a craving to have more and more. I have been told it is because sugar stimulates the “reward centre” in our brain, it makes us feel good, so, naturally the brain tells us to have more of it to sustain that “feel good factor”. What the brain neglects to tell us is all the other negative aspects of sugar consumption- weight gain, energy slumps, headaches, diabetes. But at that moment, all you want is the dirty little high you get from sugar.

I am ashamed to say that there have been a couple of occasions when I have given in to the sugar binge, and scoffed an entire bag of pick and mix in a moment of madness. Even when, halfway through the bag I started to feel a bit sick, I persisted. This just illustrates the powerful compulsive urge that confectionery and chocolate can promote in me. Sugar is, without doubt, my Achilles Heel. I would, indubitably, be better off cutting it out of my life altogether. But I like it…..

It is now occurring to me, that this weight loss and maintenance business truly may well be a battle for life. Even after weight loss, there is no “magic pill” that helps you to stay slim for the remainder of your days. I am starting to see just how close the demons that led me to obesity are sitting on my heels, just waiting for me to drop my guard. I am beginning to resign myself that I will probably always be looking over my shoulder, and trying to stay on the straight and narrow path.

I have written before about how I feel my father’s alcoholism influenced my choices in my formative years. I certainly seem to have picked up the “addictive gene” if it exists, or, at least, learned the behaviours common to an addict. I am an addict myself, currently in recovery, but still just a bag of pick and mix away from the slippery slope all the way down to regression. Many years ago, in trying to understand and cope with my father’s behaviour I attended Al-Anon groups who offer support to families of alcoholics. It was here that I learned the belief that “alcoholism is a disease” from which there is no cure, only a period of recovery. I believe that this applies to all forms of addiction and compulsion, including those which lead to weight issues. Therefore I cannot expect to be “cured” of my overeating issues, I just need to learn to how to deal with them. Sometimes it makes me bitter. How come there are people out there who eat sweets and burgers all the time yet never gain weight? Why can’t I be one of them? The truth is, I probably can’t. I never was before, so I’m unlikely to have miraculously changed now. This is just my cross to bear, my disease. I crave bad foods and they make me fat. So the only way to avoid being fat is to fight and resist the cravings. It’s a very tough truth but a very necessary one.

I try to look at it this way, why should I have it all my way? Nobody else does. There are people out there who suffer from life-threatening allergies to foods or substances. I bet each and every one of them would give their eye teeth to be able to consume or use the thing that would, essentially, kill them. Peanut allergy sufferers must sometimes crave a slice of toast smothered in SunPat; those with dairy intolerance would probably murder for a large slab of stilton. But the risks are just not worth it. Admittedly, delving into a bag of white chocolate mice won’t send me into anaphylactic shock but a continued habit would ultimate kill me, with a very slow and debilitating death by obesity. And I want to live as long as I can.
I would love to eat mindlessly but the cold, hard fact remains that I can’t. And I have to accept this. I must learn to get into the habit of telling myself “it’s not worth it” when I start to crave the chocolate.

I’m sure I’ll have slips, I already have, but, perhaps if I keep trying it will come easier with practice. That Devil on My Shoulder may never completely go away but I’m slowly working out ways of ignoring him.

One of the tools I have been using is the “MyFitmessPal” app, which logs all the calories that I consume and expend on a daily basis. I find this really useful as it helps me plan to stay within a specific calorie target. I’m currently working my way up through weekly calorie goals to see how much my body can “tolerate” before I start to gain weight again. The problem with weight maintenance is that it is not an exact science, we all metabolise our food at different rates, according to our activity levels, genetic makeup and other varying factors which I don’t even try to understand. There are plenty of guidelines out there that suggest what your daily average calorie intake should be, according to your current weight and exercise levels, but the bottom line is that you really have to adopt a bit of a “suck it and see” attitude to find out what suits you as an individual. Currently I’m taking in between 1800 and 2000 calories a day, and my weight has remained stable. But I am aware that it is early days and my body is still getting used to the extra food I’ve started taking in again. Something tells me that it is going to take a while before I get things right, and, even then, I’m probably going to have to watch what I eat, to some degree, for the rest of my life. That is a daunting thought but I know now that the benefits are worth it. Since I came away from the strict regimen of the Cambridge Diet, where products were provided and specific food types in weighed amounts were only permitted, I feel like somebody has taken the stabilisers off my bike. I’m wobbling all over the place, occasionally falling over and having to pick myself up, dust myself off and “get back on the bike”. My son is actually currently learning to ride his bicycle, and it’s not coming easy to him. Every time he loses control or falls, I have to gently assure him that mistakes and slip-ups are an inevitable part of learning and it is paramount that he is not disheartened and gives up altogether. Throwing a hissy fit and launching the bike into a nearby hedge, claiming that you never wanted to learn to ride anyway, will only result in you being the only one missing out when your friends go on a bike ride. I need to coach myself similarly…

The only thing with using calorie counting apps or any similar approach is that you still have to be brutally honest with yourself, otherwise it renders the whole exercise obsolete. It’s no point “forgetting” to log that extra cupcake you consumed because when the weight inevitably piles on, you have no way of understanding how it happened. Brutal Honesty is the ultimate tool needed to improve ourselves and grow. Nobody wants to admit being a failure, but none of us are perfect, and the only way we truly learn is through our mistakes. I’ve made a few mistakes, but by Facing The Music, and admitting to them (and in my case, logging the calories), I’ve given myself the opportunity to rectify my errors. In my case, it has meant that I’ve had to deduct the calories from my “daily allowance” another day, and steel myself to compensate for my misdemeanors, but, it’s true, you can’t have your (cup) cake and eat it. You gotta pay….

Another weapon I keep in my arsenal against the Battle of the Bulge is exercise. I really have discovered a love of getting out and moving, and am probably verging on the edge of addiction to Zumba, but at least it’s an obsession that pays healthy dividends. I’ve also taken up running, and been working on the Couch to 5K. In fact, I inadvertently started myself a little running club!! Whilst my son was playing rugby on a Sunday morning, instead of shivering pitch-side for two hours in the wind and rain, I decided that I could put the time to better use by starting to get active. So, just like Forrest Gump, “I just ran”. And like Mr Gump, “I got company”. Some of the other Rugby Mums started to join me, and, even though the rugby season is over, we still meet up once or twice a week to run together. That is very motivating. A few weeks ago my daughter and I did the 5K Race For Life in aid of Cancer Research. Now that was a buzz! I’m thrilled to say that, unlike when I did it many moons ago as an overweight individual, I didn’t just walk the course. I ran in intervals for half of it. In fact, for the last 200 yards to the Finish Line, I actually sprinted! That was worth it for the look of incredulity and abject pride I saw on my husband’s face as I sped past him, a flash of pink, glowing with achievement. I think I now actually have the running bug. In a couple of weeks, my daughter, one of the Rugby Mums and I are doing the “Run or Dye” event, a 5k walk/jog/run in which they throw coloured dye into the air at every 1km marker, so that you emerge at the end, sweat-streaked and covered in rainbow splashes, much like a participant of the Indian Holi Festival. After that, in another ten weeks, more Rugby Mums and I are doing the “Shine Half Marathon Night Walk! … then there’s the Moonwalk next May….

These little events, I feel, will help to keep me motivated. It is something I never could have done when I weighed 24 stone, and I am so thrilled I can do them now. I have a whole list of things I’d like to do now that I’m slim and light enough to do it.
I do hope that this will be incentive enough to keep me on the “straight and narrow” so that this weight loss stays off for life. I know it won’t be easy, I never start my zumba classes or running sessions saying “oh goody, time to beast myself” but I always end them feeling fabulous. So I also know it will be worth it. This journey is by no means over….wish me luck.

Living On An Island....

Over the past year, since I’ve been blogging about my weight loss, I’ve used the metaphor for my “journey” of rowing a little boat across sometimes stormy seas, to reach the “Paradise Island” of my goal weight.  Well, I’ve arrived, I am on the island.   And it truly is beautiful. It certainly looks like Paradise to me.  For a while, I just stood on the shore, sinking my feet into soft, silvery sands, feeling the sun on my back and surveying the beach in front of me.  There was only one problem. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life stood on a beach, listening to the waves lap on the shore, much as I would love to. I needed to find a home, make a life and survive here. And right then, I did not know what lay beyond the forest of fringed palm trees that begin where the sands end.  Whilst I was rowing, the island was just a “place to get to”. I didn’t really care what was there, I just wanted to reach dry land so I could stop rowing. I didn’t even really consider what I would find once I arrived….. And so, as one adventure comes to a close, another adventure begins. This one is called Weight Maintenance. To drag us back to reality for a second, a couple of weeks ago I reached Target on my weight loss. In total, over slightly more than 12 months, I have lost 170lbs. It is now official, I weigh a little bit less than the sum amount of weigh that I have lost. I still find that thought pretty astounding and every so often catch myself telling myself “Wow! 12 stone!!” I have decided to stop trying to lose any more now, even though I have fallen short of a “Normal” BMI by 5 pounds. Officially I am still “Overweight” but my family, friends, colleagues and the mirror tell me otherwise. It would be so easy to get hung up on attaining that elusive “Normal” accolade, but I have decided to sit where I am now and see how it goes. After all, I have “halved myself” by reducing down from 24 stone to just under 12stone. As long as I can stay under the 12stone mark I think I’ll be happy.

“As long as I can stay”….now there’s a pointed remark if I ever made one. The closer I drew to my Target weight, the more mindful I have become of how much more of a challenge it will be to keep this weight off for life. After all, I’ve only been learning new habits for a year, I still have a portfolio of 30+ years of bad habits that could easily slip back if I allow them. I’ve been here before, a classic yo-yo dieter, on a roller coaster of successes and failures. How am I going to keep on the straight and narrow this time? The short answer is “I don’t know”. I have a feeling that it will be a long series of experiments, much trial and error…

So, back to the island…

As every intrepid explorer knows, there is only one way to discover what lays beyond the palm tree forest. You have to go forward and investigate. And this involves taking risks, venturing into the Great Unknown…There are positives and negatives to this. On the plus side, it can be exciting, ripe with discovery and new experiences. Plus, with all the rowing I have developed a fitness and stamina that I didn’t know that I had, I can handle a lot more surprises that are thrown at me. But on the other hand, the jungle is filled with hidden dangers – pits of sinking sand, ravenous beasties and plants that look delicious but may poison me. And I have no map, no instruction manual, no tools…Even my little rowing boat provided a place to rest and the horizon was always a place to aim for. Now I am Lost In Paradise….
So, I have been on a few fact-finding expeditions. On the first day I only ventured a small distance into a clearing in the forest…so far so good…so the next day I explored a little deeper…..and so on…

One day, on my ventures, I stumbled across a diamond mine…the gems were so sparkly and tempting that I wanted to reach out and take one. I have no need for diamonds here on the island, they bear no true value. What I really need is to find and gather food and water to sustain life…but these gems were just so shiny……So, cautiously, I reached down and plucked one. Holding it in my hand gave me a thrill, and I was relieved to discover that no harm came to me from taking it. But there is a problem with diamonds…you can’t just have the one! One looks lovely in a solitaire ring, but what about the matching necklace and earrings…? So, I took another diamond, and another…and another… 

Unfortunately what I didn’t realise was that, within the diamond mine lay a pit of sleeping, poisonous snakes. The removal of one diamond is not enough to disturb the snakes, but if you take too many, then the movement will awaken them and you run the very serious risk of getting bitten. There is no antidote here to their venom and you risk a very slow and agonising death, surrounded by the beauty you were attracted to but now regret removing… Furthermore, if you fill your pockets with too many diamonds, you have no room to store the things that you genuinely need. So perhaps I need to review just how much I actually need these gems… I have since learned that, in the local dialect, the snake bite translates as “death by chocolate….”

As I have explored, I have come to realise that I am not alone on this island, there are indigenous natives that live here. I have observed them from afar, trying to understand their ways and emulate their methods of survival. Some of these efforts have been successful, I was able to locate the best source of clean water by silently following them to the waterfall and gathering some for myself when they had departed by a safe distance. But many of their other ways confound me. I have tried to mirror their ways of hunting for food but with little success so far. It has been frustrating. Why can I not pick up a bow and arrow like them and effortlessly shoot down a bird for dinner? When I try, I seem to stumble and scare away my prey. My rudimentary weapons do not shoot straight. So, for now, I must content myself with picking up nuts and berries or nibbling on the remains that the natives leave when they have feasted on their quarry. I have pontificated over this frustration for some time and come to the conclusion that the natives, who so effortlessly survive on this island, have done so for generations. They are not strangers to this land as I am and have developed skills which they have passed down over eons. How can I expect to live like they do when I have been here for only a matter of weeks? I must have patience, learn slowly, copy the ways of the locals and maybe one day I can integrate myself with them and survival will become second nature to me. After all, we come from very different worlds, me from the land of plenty and indulgence, they from the island where they don’t do pizza delivery!!

Sometimes I miss the home comforts that I enjoyed before I was shipwrecked by my own health risks and began my journey across the empty, seemingly endless sea. As I rowed, I fantasised about the charmed life I would lead when I hit dry land. I would cavort through lush, tropical forests, with exotic flowers in my hair, like the actress in a Bounty Bar advert….I would befriend the animals who would willingly gather together in Disney-esque fashion to build me a beautiful treetop lodge where I would live out the end of my days feasting on exotic fruits. Now there are days when I would murder just to get a Wi-Fi signal!!! I miss my old life, the accessibility and speed of it, the lack of effort required to get any food I desired, the lack of effort needed to do anything, really. When, at the end of the day I am exhausted and aching from a hunting trip, feeling a little grubby and yearning for a comfy sofa, a takeaway and the box set of “Friends” I have to remind myself what I have left behind. I now breathe perfectly clean air, drink fresh water that has been untampered with. I am fitter and healthier than I have ever been from the exercise, not only from the rowing to get here, but from the hunting and gathering of food. The sun shines almost constantly, the sea is clear and warm, the surroundings are far more beautiful than the industrial wasteland I left behind.

My little rowing boat is still sitting on the shore. I could get into it again any time, and let the currents drift me back to the other, darker horizon where all is familiar and easy. But do I really want to do that?
Not really. It’s going to take a while but I’m going to make this island my home. I’ve been saved from the seas and granted a new life. It will require hard work and there will be days when I wish I had never set foot here, but I’m determined to do this. Wish me luck….