Some Q&A...

Things are still going well in my little world, I’m now on Day 33 of being back on plan 100% and have lost another 4lbs. This brings my total weight loss to exactly 9 and a Half Stone. 

To bring this into perspective, that is what my mother weighs!! Admittedly, she’s a diminutive lady of 5 feet One inch (my father was 6’4”, they made a curious couple! I seemed to have come out somewhere in between at 5’7”). Anyway, I am now ‘officially’ a size 16, which is pretty good considering that I started off in size 26 jeans..). Clothes shopping has become a joy now, although I have to say, I do find that the choice is suddenly a little overwhelming. I had been so used to looking for my size first before even considering the style, that it took a little while to register that I’m almost ‘average’ now… 

A week or so, I got myself measured for a new bra, and discovered that my size has shrunk from a 46G to a 36G. It seems that “the girls” haven’t shrunk much, but my general circumference has. My husband like to “measure” my progress by seeing how much further he can get his arms around me when we hug, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I’d been wearing some old bras with a 40 inch measurement in the interim but have now had to invest in some ones that fit me correctly. And a whole new world has opened  up for me – pretty  bras with under-wiring…so much choice…Gone are the days of opting for the matronly support ‘scaffolding’ in heavy and purely functional duty lycra …now I can flaunt my norks in delicate lace and a rainbow of colours. Naturally, the matching panties had to be purchased, too – goodbye Bridge Jones knickers.. …hello lacy lingerie…My husband is not displeased…..

We received an invitation to a family wedding yesterday and I've just booked the hotel stay. Unfortunately hubby can't get the time off but I'm travelling up with Mum and the kids. There'll be family members who haven't seen me for two or more years (note to self - do not upstage the bride!!). The Big Day is July 16th. I've worked out that an average loss of just 2lb per week would take me 6lbs beyond my Target of 11.5st (a 12.5st loss). I don't think that's too ambitious, do you? Certainly something to aim for…

Talking of targets, yesterday I did a brave thing. On my public Facebook timeline, amongst a post mentioning my latest weight loss, I "outed" myself, with an admittance of my starting weight. So now everyone knows, not just the selct few I trust. That number has spooked me for too long, but I decided that there's now enough distance between me and it for it not to sting so much anymore. It was terribly shameful but I think I'm getting over it now. I had a wonderful outpouring of support and encouragement from friends and I lost count how many times I was called 'inspirational' (well, I am an ENFP personality type - we are deemed "the inspirers". To find out your type go to www.16personalities.com ). That being said, I didn't set out to put myself on a pedestal or inspire intentionally, and to be lauded in such a way makes me a little nervous. Being the People-Pleaser type, I am hyper-aware of the opinions of others (probably far too much) and  I worry that I might be seen as vain or self-promoting by some. Maybe I am- I’ll have to work that out - there is a very thin line between self-confidence and self-centredness. However, I do believe with all my heart that if something good happens to you that may benefit others, then you are duty bound to share it. The same goes for publicising your mistakes. One of my mantras id "if you can’t be a good example then at least be a terrible warning".

My husband, my rock in all of this, entreats me to be cautious about the attention I am receiving for my weight loss, and rightly so. He has seen how my ego can deflate very rapidly when the interest in me wanes. And that is when I am most at risk of reverting back to old, unhealthy habits. He worries that when the novelty of this journey has worn off that I will become complacent. He does have a point, and it is something that I must be very vigilant of. However, I do have a counter argument – I have been overweight, in varying degrees but consistently, for around 30 years of my life. I am only now experiencing the “novelty” of approaching a healthy shape and size for the first time since my mid teens. I think it may take a long time to get used to that, and a fair while for the novelty to wear off.

Going back to my Facebook post, among the responses, I've been asked the same few questions by several people. The first one being along the lines of "do you really need to lose much more weight?" or warnings "not to waste away". I'm grateful for their concern, but am very cautious. At 14st 7lb, I am still classed as Obese, not even overweight yet. I would have to lose another 3 stone to get into the top end of a normal BMI. It appears that, on the outside, I carry my weight pretty well right now, but for me it’s not just about physical appearance. In fact, it's primarily about my health. So that comes first, and if the health guidelines say I should aim for a healthy BMI that's what I hope to do. It's not a figure set in stone. If I hit a plateau around the 12st mark I may well review it, but that's a bridge I will cross when I come to it. 

The next question I get asked is "what are you going to do about excess skin?” 

My answer:  I don't know. I am starting to notice some "floppy bits" mainly around my arms, stomach and underneath my buttocks but I'm trying not to let that bother me. It's my arms that I'm most aware of - the dreaded 'Bingo Wings'. My arms were very, very big and tight with fat before I first started and now there is a distinct 'underhang'  left. I'm in serious jeopardy of resembling a Flying Squirrel. On the positive side, if I ever fell off a cliff (and I do only live six miles from Dover), I could probably stretch out my arms like Batman and glide to the beach below in relative safety.  Of course, I'd rather not do that (after all, as my blog moniker states "IAmWonderWoman" not Batman, and she is sensible enough to employ an invisible plane) . So, as summer is not that far away (believe it or not) and I'd like to be able bare my arms without feeling too self-conscious , I'm ramping up the exercise in the hope that some bits will tone up. In fact yesterday I bought a set of 1.5kilo wrist weights to wear during my Zumba class. I've already warned people to steer clear of me during class when I'm flailing my arms around, otherwise there could casualties and concussions. A mis-timed arm swing and I'm even at risk of knocking myself out!!! A stumble with a blow to the head in the restrictive space of village hall occupied by 20 plus prancing ladies and we could all go down like colourful dominoes….

But even those efforts may not resolve the redundant skin issue. I'm not deluded enough to aspire to have arms like Michelle Obama, so I'm going to have reconcile my head with the fact that this may just have to be a cross I have to bear. I don't think I would be prepared to resort to surgery (although I have set up to record a series, which I will watch with interest, called My Extreme Excess Skin due to show on TLC in early February https://press.discovery.com/uk/tlc/programs/my-extreme-excess-skin/ ). At my age, I don't believe that it's wise to subject my body to invasive and risky surgery for cosmetic reasons, I'm no spring chicken and recovery rates deteriorate as you grow older. More importantly, I have a relatively young family that I intend to stick around to see grow up, and would not want to do anything that might even very slightly put that at jeopardy. After all, it is surgery, and that carries its own risks. So I will do what I can but I may have to live with my “imperfections”. Just as some women who have borne children consider their stretch marks to be battle scars, perhaps I should do the same. After all, everything comes with a price, and I should be grateful for all the amazing benefits my weight loss has brought me so far….

The last of the “Holy Trinity of Questions” that I am having to answer is “are you worried that you will put all the weight back on when you eat normally again?” I touched on this in my previous blog, but the short answer is “yes, I am afraid, and the closer that I come to target weight, the stronger the fear becomes". Just as the land on the horizon is becoming more visible as I row closer to shore, I am increasingly aware of the sharks that populate the waters. The Cambridge Weight Plan has become my lifeboat rescuing me from drowning in a sea of health and sanity threatening behaviors, but, just like any ship, it can only take you so close to shore, and then you have to get out and swim the final stretch. It’s a thought that really daunts me, but I know that it is something that I have to muster the courage to face. A true case of “feel the fear, and do it anyway”.  Of course, right now it’s too far to swim, but it’s never too soon to start preparing yourself for what you know is coming ahead. Preparation and awareness are so important in any journey of self-discovery  and self-improvement.

I have a job interview this coming Monday. My workplace is under threat of closure in a couple of years so now seems like a good time to try and make a move. About three years ago, I was in a very bad place emotionally and utterly hated my job. I had returned from an  idyllic five-year stay in Cyprus and placed in a post that was not my choice. It was, however, a job and I had to accept it. Grudgingly, very grudgingly. I alienated myself with my colleagues and was under threat of disciplinary action because my attitude was so poor. In my own twisted head I was bitter at what my life had become – a dreary job on a dreary island and I exuded this negativity from every pore. I felt entitled to something better but believed I was powerless to change it. I applied for job after job after job and received refusal after refusal after refusal. I saw myself a Big, Fat Failure.  I think around then, although I was pretty overweight to start with, I really started to pile on the weight. Food became my favourite crutch.

Over the last 18 months or so, I have started to re-examine my attitudes, behaviours and motives and everything in my life has improved exponentially. The weight was the final piece in the puzzle and I could only tackle it once I had sorted the demons in my head. Now I am even happy at work, despite  still doing the same job, and am much more successful at it. 

One day, something clicked inside and I finally got the message that life was trying to deliver to me – that the power to change and grow existed within me, and only me. Nobody else could do anything  to make me happy- that was totally and utterly my responsibility. Only then did I begin to grow.

So why am I deciding to try and move on in my career now? If it ain’t broke, then why try to fix it?
Well firstly, it is always important to push and improve myself. I need to seek out and try new challenges and it feels like the time is right to go for something else. Of course, life might have other ideas. I may not get any of the other jobs (in fact, I’ve already been turned down for one I applied for before Christmas) and then I have to look at my situation and see what this experience is trying to teach me. Every stumble, every falter is an opportunity to learn, we just have to have the courage to face the lessons.

 For me, while I am content and competent in what I do, this is the best time to make a change. Changes that come from desperation and an urgent need to escape, in my opinion, come from the wrong motives. I’m sure at the job interviews two years ago I exuded desperation, the sense of urgency to get away from my current situation was leaking from every pore. That is not attractive, literally or metaphorically. No wonder I didn’t get the jobs. Life still had a few lessons to teach me about my present situation – running away was not an option. In the same way, I believe wholeheartedly, that it is only wise to approach weight loss when you have garnered a degree of self-love. Trying to transform yourself from someone you hate to someone you hope you can love is too tall an order. If you are your own enemy, then you have no real reason to help yourself. Nobody with any sense would offer themselves up to their adversary.  It takes a special kind of courage to stretch out a hand to the detested part of yourself within and say “look, I know we’ve not seen eye to eye so far, but I think if we work hard together we can be friends. Let's try to get to know one another and find some common ground”. This takes time, it takes effort and energy. It takes courage. You have to dig deep, face some scary thoughts, and bring them out into the open, Just like vampires, negative feelings fester in the dark and cannot survive in the clear, illuminating light of day. I am working on that courage, I am exposing my weaknesses to the light and watching them turn to dust. I am a work in progress....

Wish me luck….

Helloooo 2016.....

I’m long overdue on writing this blog post, but it’s been a busy period, as it probably has been for many. Christmas and New Year happened (more about those later) and we are all reluctantly dragging ourselves out of bed on cold, dark mornings and facing the reality that the festive season is over, and normal routine must be addressed again. The supermarkets are, very kindly, aiding us in this mindfulness by stacking their shelves with Easter Eggs, reminding us that another Gorge Fest is just around the corner. Since I have made efforts to change my lifestyle, I now see supermarkets in a different light, and it’s really quite shocking to see how they are geared around encouraging us to purchase fast, easy, sugar and salt laden food, whilst the “healthy choices” are heavily marked up and placed on the corners of the aisles….

..Anyway... since my last blog on 21^st December, I have lost another 8lbs, bringing total loss to 9stone 3lbs in 35 weeks, and now a yellow rosette adorns my fridge, keeping company with the other eight. 
When I first started this journey, I had no idea I would come this far so fast. As my success continued, it became a goal to have lost 10stone by my 46^th birthday in March. Now I only have to lose 11 pounds to get there, and have eight weeks to achieve it. That’s highly doable, I’m sure, and, if I smash through that particular target early, then I’ll just keep going. 
My mind is turning more now to what I will do when I get to target, as it is now no longer a distant spot on the horizon…I can see Land Ahoy!! 
My original plan was to get down to 12st 5lbs, the lowest weight I was in my 20s (and I am just 33 lbs. away from that), but I have now decided that I would like to get to 11.5 stone, which would slip me into a ‘Normal’ BMI for the first time since, .....well, probably my teens. Ideally I would like to reach that by the time we go on our holiday to Italy in early August.
 33 pounds in 29 weeks? – no problem!!!!

So how was your Christmas? 
We had a lovely, quiet, family time, mainly just my husband, the two kids and I. My Mum came to stay on Boxing Day. My poor husband had to work an early shift on Christmas Day (those pesky borders can’t protect themselves), and, as he is traditionally the provider of the Christmas Roast, we settled for a plate of Fajitas that day, and had the Big Spread on Boxing Day. 
As I had promised myself, I came totally off plan for both days and by ‘totally’…I mean ‘totally’…  I am only grateful that it was my sage and focused head that had made the choices for food purchases in advance and that the shops were shut, otherwise there may well have been a full-on food frenzy. 
I am not saying that I totally gorged myself, but I didn’t hold back either. 
I indulged in alcohol, sugar-laden desserts and carb-heavy meals and snacks. And I loved every minute. 
But I did pay the price. 
On Boxing Night, I stood on my bathroom scales “just to check” and was horrified to discover that I had gained seven pounds!! In two days!!! 
Now, I know that a lot of this is water and my body reacting to a sudden influx of calories after months of restriction, but it still spooked me pretty badly. 
The following day I was back on plan, and, when my mother left that morning, she was sent off with a “care package” of abundant leftovers and Christmas treats. 
I wasn’t taking any risks, the fridge and cupboards needed to be “cleansed” of temptation and all “bad” foods were to be evacuated imminently…for fear that they might be inadvertently consumed and the frenzy recommence. 
It is a relief to report that the weight has since come back off, and more also, but, on reflection it has shown me, not only how easy it is to “fall off the wagon” and how shocking the effects can be. It  has also made me very mindful of how important it will be for to take the correct approach when I eventually reach target, reintroduce carbs and increase my calorie intake from “very low” to “maintenance level”. 
I clearly  mustn’t take the “Christmas Binge” attitude as it definitely shocked my body into over-reacting and, to be honest, I didn’t feel my usual bright, healthy self for the following few days. When the time is right, I must gradually, and carefully “work up the steps” of the Cambridge Plan, weaning myself back onto a healthy carbohydrate intake and learning new healthy habits and making better food choices. 

When a “diet” “finishes”, it is incredibly tempting to convince yourself, now you are thinner, that you can eat the same way that you did before you started. It is also very common to tell yourself that you now “deserve” to eat all the foods that you were “deprived” of for the duration of your weight loss endeavours. 
How many of us have looked forward to the time when we can eat takeaways, snacks, sweets and treats again after enduring the hardship of losing weight? I know that I have been very guilty of that. 
This is why I am trying to alter my mindset now, and get it into my stubborn skull that I need to develop and adopt good eating habits FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. To look at any other attitude than that, with proper common sense, truly reveals the madness of “temporary thinking”!  It would be like suggesting to a skydiver that, because they have successfully jumped out of a plane using a parachute and lived to tell the tale, then their survival rate would not be reduced if they took the next jump chute-less. 
Pure insanity. Yet it is a madness that so many of us Yo-Yo dieters buy into time after time. And it is a madness that I am determined not to fall foul of ever again. I’m not sure quite yet how I am going to do this, but I am encouraged that my food-addled brain seems to be keen on pushing me in that direction and that the thoughts of healthy eating seem to be dominating those of cravings and the desire to revert to old ways. I’m sure that there will be many hurdles on the way, and, I may well fall flat on my face at times , but, for now and hopefully forever, whenever I take a jump I’m keeping that parachute firmly strapped to my back!!!

January is traditionally a time, not only for new beginnings, but also for looking back at the past year. How many “TV specials” were we subjected to in the past few weeks where the events, tributes , and achievements of the past 12 months were regurgitated and paraded by 'celebrities' to fill post-Christmas airspace…? Well, I don’t like to disappoint, so for your delectation I would like to present to you…MY REVIEW OF THE YEAR……(cue music...dancing girls...Dale Winton....)

Oh, ok, may be not....

....but when I do look back I’m pleased to see that I have achieved quite a lot. 
Most of it is as a result of my weight loss, and all have benefited me greatly. Some have been more cosmetic, such as dropping dress sizes, getting into skinny jeans and wearing knee-high boots again. Oh, and being able to wear my wedding and engagement rings once more for the first time in years. 
Other changes have been habitual or behavioural - I have made my peace with green vegetables and learned to love salad (in fact, I even ate some cucumber without gagging the other day); I have given up caffeine and fizzy drinks and exponentially increased my water intake. 
I have even  made new friends, such as my wonderful consultant, and some through social media and the Facebook support group I started for those of with 10+ stones to lose, which is now 750+ strong. 

So many positives, and so much to be grateful for. 

Most of all, I am thrilled that I am regaining my health. 

For many, many years I have struggled with hypertension issues and have been on a cocktail of pills to lower my blood pressure. The condition appears to be hereditary, as it comes straight down the maternal line in my family, but there is no doubt that the issues were exacerbated by my weight. 
This week I paid a visit to the doctor for my blood pressure check. Back in September, when I had already lost around 3 stones, my blood pressure reading was 137/86. The other day, when it was taken it read at 106/69. That is a considerable drop, taking me comfortably into the “healthy” range and is absolutely attributable to my weight loss. In fact the nurse at the surgery has recommended that I see my GP to see if I can have my meds cut down or, at least, the dosage reduced. 
For me this is utterly and irrefutably the best thing that has happened as a result of my losing weight. 
To know that I am improving my health feels better than slipping into a pair of size 16 skinny jeans or slinking into my Christmas party dress. 
It feels more fantastic than receiving a compliment or catching my reflection in the mirror and realising that I am actually starting to like what I see. 
It is a greater smugness than I get when I find myself saying “no thank you” to that cake – and meaning it. 
The sense of control, the feeling of being the master of your own destiny, and no longer a slave to your own compulsions cannot be beaten. In fact it is probably addictive. I have spoken in previous blogs about having an addictive nature and wondering where it will manifest itself next. Maybe I will get hooked on that rush of being in charge, of feeling healthy and well…and if I do…all the better.
It was also a very empowering feeling to walk out of the doctors with my head held high , knowing that I had done something right and commendable for once. I cannot count how many times in the past I have slunk sheepishly away from the surgery, heart in my boots and yet another warning from the GP about my weight still ringing in my ears…..But not this time…and never again……

So onto new changes for 2016…. Firstly I am determined to “finish what I started” this year, to get to target and, more importantly, to keep it off.  To assist me, I am participating in both a 50 day and a 100 Day Challenge on Facebook, which I hope will motivate me to stay 100% as much as I possibly can.  This year , as pledged in a previous blog, is also the year that I plan to increase my exercise. My Big Plan, is ultimately, to take up running in the spring and to attempt the Couch to 5K. My husband has even expressed a desire to join me in this venture.  In the interim, I am reviewing the exercise I do on a daily or weekly basis. When I first started this plan I was working 30 minutes each day on the exercise bike followed by 15 minutes “Bingo Wing Busting” with hand weights. If I’m honest, that effort dropped off over December, partly because I had very busy evenings with Christmas social events after work, partly because the conservatory in which our bike lives gets very cold, but mainly because I just got lazy.  I’m pulling that back a bit now, gradually, but yesterday I "upped the ante" by attending my first Zumba class.  I’m pleased to say that I managed to keep up the pace for the whole hour, and, as I type, do not seem to have been blighted with “Bambi Legs” (although I have been gleefully advised by my peers that “there is still time for the pain to kick in”…). But most of all, I had amazing fun and I think I’ve found a new pastime that I can embrace with a passion. I definitely want to go again.  I , regrettably, cannot report that  I executed my moves gracefully during the class – whilst the other members were shimmying and salsa-ing, I was desperately trying to keep my balance as my legs tangled themselves and seemed bent on sending me sprawling face-first onto the hard school hall floor. As for my arms, I think I was closer to acting out “I’m a Little Teapot” than depicting the fury and passion of the flamenco, but I had such an incredible laugh doing it. In fact (note to self) I must stock up on Tena Lady as, what with the jumping and stomping, the twisting and turning and the ensuing breakdowns into air-gasping hilarity, I was very fortunate not to have found myself dancing in my own puddle during the course of the class. Next time I may not be so lucky, so best to take precautions....   A pelvic floor of my age that has withstood such a pounding from years of obesity and the births of two children can only take so much…..and no amount of  flouncing around to Latin Music can save me from that kind of embarrassment....

Anyway, on that note I shall leave you. The year ahead looks to be promising…wish me luck……